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Tortoises to be euthanized as sanctuary goes broke! Oh Noes! Not the toitles!

There's more to this, of course. The feds have snipers covering a family because that families' cows are near the damn toitles.

Why does this happen when a certain political party is in office? Could it be that a certain political party thinks that the only enemies America has are Americans?

I do.
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Idiots and assholes


OK. I have been trying, desperately, to be more positive in my daily trudge through life. For the most part, I've been successful as you can tell my much less frequent use of this here electronic bitching machine. However, there are limits. Today I have hit my limit. I can count everyone I am acquainted with who is not an idiot or an asshole on one hand. One hand. One. Let that sink in. Four fingers and a thumb. The other five billion and change? Idiots, assholes, or both. Be assured, if you think I'm being too harsh? Chances are, you ain't the thumb, pinky, ring, nose picker, fuck you finger, or ring finger. You're the place where the thumb goes while its owner is waiting on some idiot to do what he, she or it was supposed to do last fucking week. That's the asshole, idiot.
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Woman charged $787.33 for two-mile cab ride


This sort of happened to me. I was charged $212 by a cab driver to go from Penn Station in Newark to the Courtyard Marriott in Elizabeth. That's less than ten miles. According to the con artist who took my money, it was policy to add a $35 surcharge for leaving the train station, then another $150 for "after hours" service. Needless to say, I wasn't happy. I was working in New York city and there were no hotel rooms available for the days I needed to be there for any reasonable rate, so I was staying near the airport and taking the hotel shuttle to the PATH. Of course, I ended up working late, and the hotel shuttle stopped running, so I had to cab it. The first night, I almost got into a fight with the cabby because I only had $50 in cash, and he wanted $85. The next night I figured I'd get around that bullshit by using a credit card and BLAMMO! $212. I was lucky that I was able to expense that fare, and after bitching about the hassle, I was allowed to stay in the W in Manhattan for $800 a night. For one night, anyway.

What I'm saying here is that you should pay cash and argue with cabbies, never use let them use Square to run your card, or just give in and let them rub their nasty mustache on your taint.

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I am the Count and I love to count things! ah ah ah ah


But, evidently I can only count to 21. I found an exercise tracker I like called Lift. It's super simple, runs on my phone, annoys you when you need annoying, etc... you pick or create a task, it doesn't have to be exercise related, and every day you check it off. The app runs in 21 day cycles, and there's the problem. It started over after day 21 and depressed me. I like to look at big numbers. I'm on day 25. I had to miss a few days because of travel and now I'm all messed up. Because I was able to ignore the app for those couple of days, I am now finding it hard NOT to ignore the app. Yesterday, I didn't start exercise until almost 8:30 pm. Which was OK when the kids were babies, because they were already in bed, but now, not so much. So I'm going to have to become a morning exerciser. I hate mornings. Hate hate hate. Always have. So this is going to be a big change for me. Early to bed, early to rise. (Makes a man or woman miss out on the night life - Morphine) Wish me luck, today I start at #1. 1! 1! 1 new habit. ah ah ah ah
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I got 75 spam comments on a post from 2012 last night.  As excited as I am to be relevant to the spambots again, and as much as I need Viagra, single ladies and a Russian bride, I've decided to re-enable word verification on my comments section. 

No one will mind, in ten years I've received 155 non-spam comments.  Total.

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Eat the big white mint


I made a huge mistake last week and read some of the crap on the MSN homepage. I know, and both of my readers know, that all I was doing was giving myself heartburn and probably pinkeye from reading that shit. Evidently, some newlywed lady who used to be on TV said something about becoming a better wife by being "submissive" to her husband, like the Bible says, and the bitches on the innertubes went ballistic.

The bitches on the internet, about half of which are men, evidently, going by my now newly pruned Facebook timeline, have no clue what that chick was talking about because they've never met or talked to a Bible person.

Bible people, when they are having problems, go and talk to a Bible preacher. Bible preachers, give out advice. Usually good, solid, everyday common sense advice that the bitches on the innertubes would read on Buzzfeed or betamale.com all day long and click that little thumbs up with their tiny erect penises. However, because Bible preachers are Bible preachers, everything they do has to relate back to a Bible verse. So, instead of telling the poor little newlywed to, "stop being such a fucking raging lunatic harpy or your rich new husband is going to leave your sorry, bitchy ass" he says, "you know dear, the Bible says, 'Likewise, ye wives, [be] in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives" which basically means the same thing.

It's the same advice Dalton gives to the other bouncers in Chapter 2 Verse 6.

"Dalton then spake to the assembled, "Be Nice." Then the disciple who has two lines, Steve, asketh, "Even if he called my momma a whore?" and Dalton replieth, "Is she?".

(The Book of Dalton isn't formally recognized by most Protestant denominations, but most Catholics know it by heart.) 

Why people who have no interest in God or the Bible have some need to take every little thing a Bible person says as literally as possible, is beyond me. Even Bible people pick and choose what parts of the Bible they take literally. But that's not good enough for the hamster and fuzzy slipper crowd, if she says "submit" she means "submit", dammit!  And We are going to shun her and MAKE HER PAY! (don't forget to share the anti-bullying post on my wall!).

To be honest, I'm no holy roller (surprise!).  But I would rather my son marry a goddam snake handler than any "Studies" major he may meet in his path through life.  The snake handler and I will agree that the bad stuff that I may do or say is usually bad.  The Studies major will think that the good stuff is the bad stuff and the bad stuff is OK as long as I'm doing or saying it to or about the right people.  She'll also post nasty memes about me on Reddit because I'll call her "Little Lady", smell bad, talk shit about violence when her husband and I are trying to watch the one football game we get to watch together all year, and force my grandson to call her "Myra" instead of "Mom" which is too genderist.

The snake handler would feed me, be quiet when the game was on, never complain about picking the boy up from ball practice, and save the crying and nervous praying until AFTER I've left the house.   We'd get along, in other words.

Why is it that the people who are so concerned about other people offending people are the nastiest people on the planet?

Because they're assholes, that's why.

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All right shit for brains (plural, see below) Bill Nye is a mechanical engineer. He is as much an expert in biology as I am, probably less as I was pre-med (family med) for almost a whole semester. My point is, stop calling him a "scientist" on Facebook. There is no scientist anywhere who can debate faith with the faithful, no mechanical engineers either. Faith is belief where there is no proof. Why doesn't this asshole go on TV and debate the Pope over one of the Sorrowful Mysteries? Why? Because he'd look like an asshole and the Pope would talk rings around him that's why. So they pick on the people who believe stuff that most people think is crazy and can be disproven by any high school teacher AND also are willing to fight about it on TV. Assholes. Just let people be.
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