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I like December. I do. October used to be my favorite month,
November is now, but December is moving right up there. I like it
better than June, for instance. You never know what you're going to
get with June. December, you know. Cold and wet. Sometimes not
super cold, but cold. And maybe not really wet, but it's wet all the
same. July's good too, I like July, but it goes too fast. December
used to feel like the longest month when I was a kid, but somewhere
around junior high it shortened considerably. Probably because of
mid-term exams. February is the longest month now. I keep waiting
for March. Here in Kentucky March is the beginning of Spring, and
Spring in Kentuckiana is fantastic. January is the month for cold
snaps around here. We'll get two weeks of below freezing weather
during January where everything freezes up, we might even get more
than a half-inch of snow, but it doesn't last. You get maybe two to
three days of ice skating before the lake breaks up. You know that
saying about April and showers? It's pretty fair, I think. Most of
April's showers hang into the first couple of weeks of May, Derby Day
is usually right on the tail end of the wet season. It'll rain in the
morning, then you'll get sunburn in the afternoon. I'm not a big fan
of May, can't get any mowing done and the lawn looks like a rice
paddy. August and September are terrible, hotter than hell, kids go
back to school in early August and it's still to light out to nine
o'clock so they don't sleep at all. Lawn is dead, it's dry as a
tinderbox and all of the public school kids disappear into football
hell when baseball season's not over yet. We won't see them again
until April. We'll usually have one baseball practice in April and
the rest will be rained out, so we won't see them much, but we'll see
them and they won't look like Oompa-loompa's when we do.

December has a whole lot going for it, in my book. You've started
drinking heavily over the Thanksgiving Holiday, it's cold out and
there's all sorts of parties, get-togethers, and functions going on,
not to mention year-end reviews, so why stop? Stay lit all month! I
know I will. And listen, someone's got to hang the outdoor lights,
put the indoor lights on the tree, wrap garland around everything and
make sure that our house is prettier than yours. And we will, even
though we know that you've had your house professionally decorated.
We'll beat you with stuff from our basement and my father-in-law's
garage you piker. Even with all your damn money. You know the only
reason you've got it is because you put your wife to work. That's
right, I said it! I said it! And who the fuck makes tuition due two
weeks before Christmas? What kind of sicko does that? Great! Sorry
Timmy, no train for you. Sorry Jane, no dolly. But you shore kin
spell gud! Well, I've got a Christmas bonus coming my way killjoy, a
big one! Sometime in March. You heard me! You'll be divorced by
then you dual income prick. Your wife will be shacking up with Todd
from Sales and you'll be spending your nights in the Motel 8. Asshole
kid will quit football and listening to Toby Keith and start painting
his nails and jamming to Bauhaus while huffing the freon out of the
old fridge from the garage. . .the one YOU paid for, not the one with
the ice in the door, SHE bought that one, the one you got from Sears
that first Christmas, remember? Of course you remember, you're still
paying off the fucking Discover Card. I might not be making money
hand over fist, and I can't afford lighted wreaths and window candles
on timers, I might not even be able to pay for Christmas presents this
year, but I sure as hell am to poor to pay for all the therapy my kids
would need if they grew up without at least one parent. Have a good
time on your "golf" weekends in Vegas, prick. Your wife's giving a
lap dance to every jackass in a suit who acts like he makes more money
than you. By Christmas I might be down to drinking that five year old
bottle of melon-flavored schnapps but I'll be HAPPY goddamnit. Happy.

Because December is almost my favorite month.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

My guess is this is written after a few? If not, someone needs a few!

9:24 AM

Blogger Maddad said...

It'll get worse before it gets better. The nature of the beast.

10:55 AM


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