I got my blood work back from my life insurance physical. I looked good, I thought, until I read the note that came along with it. Seems that they wanted more blood from me because they used up all I sent at the office lobster boil. Seems that my blood is almost identical in composition to that garlic butter crap that comes in a Papa John's pizza. That's OK though, I can handle it. I just have to start eating oatmeal three times a day and taking Lipitor.
I'm begining to feel a little skeptical about life insurance lately. I have been working out three times a week for the last two years in an effort to get into some kind of shape (really, I just wanted to be able to see my penis again without having to move anything out of the way, anything of mine
anyway har..har..). And so far, it's been workig pretty well, I dropped from 215 to 190 and my body fat fell from around "OH MY GOD!" to "If that guy stopped eating whole sticks of salted butter, he might be in shape". Now I'm hovering between 195 and 200, mostly because I changed jobs, and my feeding schedule went way, way off the mark. But, I still work out, just to annoy my wife. So basically, with all the working out, the fancy new job and the visible penis, I decided it was time to get me some life insurance.
Life insurance is a good thing to have if you have kids, but the process of applying for life insurance just sucks. Because if you are below 35, don't smoke and are in good health, you are quoted amazing rates, like $4 million dollars of 20 year level term for $.08 a day! And you bite, you say, gimme some 'o that! Then you get the questionaire. Are you allergic to anything?
- sure! .Have you smoked or used any tobacco products in the last two years?
- no, he says smuglyHave you lost more than 10 pounds in the last two years?
- can you tell? really?Do you take any over the counter medicines or supplements?
- vitamins, jack, and lots of them.When was the last time you had a coke fueled orgy with seven Hatian hookers, a miniature horse and the old guy who sits on the folding chair at the front of the liquor store?
- um...Fess up.
- well..Just a date, pal.
- Never happened.We have pictures.
Pretty innocuous, right? I mean most of the hookers made it home alive and the horse was delicious, and these weren't bad questions at all. I am superman, insure me!
The next step is the physical, where they send a nurse to your house and she weighs you, takes your blood pressure, asks you the same questions you answered on the application (to try and catch you in a LIE) and takes some blood and pee. Fun gig, nothing like transporting someone elses pee for a living.
You are in limbo from here on in, you know some things, your blood pressure
(118\84) your BMI (26.5) and your resting heart rate (60), but you don't know two things. One, what was in your blood and two, what the hell is a BMI anyway?
What's a BMI? Why it's the Bullshit Measurement Index, of course. I'm 6 feet tall, even. I'm about 196. If you follow the istructions to get a BMI you'll see that I am overweight. Very overweight. In order to reduce my BMI to below 25 where it should be according to the life insurance people I'd have to weigh about 180. I weighed 180 when I got married eleven years ago, I had a 32 inch waist, no ass at all, and my ribs poked through my shirt. I couldn't afford food, but evidentally you aren't allowed to eat anymore or you will become fat, and by fat I mean not fat, but not really, really skinny. And don't we all want to be really, really skinny. I mean look, the only way I'd make it to 180 is if my body fat dropped to around 9%. 9% body fat is where you look like the queen in the jockstrap and rollerblades at the gay pride parade. You know, the guy so lean you can make out what's left of the gerbil through the skin on the small of his back. In short, not me. Ever. So I'm paying more for that.
As for what's in your blood, I'll tell you right now, because I know. Your lipids are high, and your bilirubin is elevated. Your blood sugar's OK, but borderline, but that's because they forgot to tell you to fast and you had a cup of tea. If you are a man, and are over 30 your cholesterol is high.
Yes, it is.
And because your cholesterol is high, you are going to die at some point. Therefore, instead of paying the great rate we quoted you, you will pay the fat, sick, drunk rate.
You see, nowadays your cholesterol should be under 200. Thanks to the people at Merck and friends it can be. with daily ingestion of a little pill that merk and friends happen to make. Say, $30 per month, give or take, based on your coverage. Coincedentally, $30 bucks per month is almost EXACTLY what you would pay the life insurance company if you decided to say, screw it, pass the cheesesteak, if I'm going to burn out, at least I'll burn for a good long time.
It's a conspiracy, and I know it. Here's how. First, margarine is suddenly and mysteriously bad for you after years and years of it being the only thing standing between you and a massive MI. Second, the Atkins Diet appears and gives everyone a second shot at red meat. Basically, you knew you were going to screw up your diet anyway, wasn't it easier to screw it up by eating the dinner rolls that came with the 40oz sirloin? Third, the BMI appears, you're so fat you don't even look it! Fourth, Mandy Patinkin shows up on TV in bad loafers telling us that our cholesterol is too high. Who can resist the charms of Inigo Montoya?
So, for $30 bucks a month to a pharmacuetical company, plus whatever my health insurance pays, I can pay $30 less per month to my life insurance company, which is heavily invested in the pharmaceutical company. My life insurance company will offset its losses better, due to increased profits at the pharmaceutical company and since my life insurance company is a mutual company, at the end of the year I get a bigger dividend.
That's Jesuit training for you. I am at the center of a global conspiracy so vast that I had no idea I put it in to motion until I sat down to write about it here.
I expect to poison myself with a rare toxin made from ball-point pen ink later today. Maybe 5:55pm.