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We wish you...would shut the hell up.

12/12/2006

I like Christmas. I do. What I can't stand are Christmas carols. Now I have been hearing a lot less of them this year, since the season was shorter and I have an iPod. But still, they creep in on you. Some of those songs must have been designed by the North Koreans to cause psychotic episodes in average Americans. The idea, I'm sure, was to get enough blood running in the streets during the holiday season so that the enslaved workers would turn against their capitalist pig masters. And I'll tell you what...one more chorus of "We Wish You A Merry Christmas" and I'll be on my way to shoot the clerk at the nearest Starbucks. Wait, I don't need an excuse to do that, so to hell with it, I'll just burn down Sears.

I'm sure some people like Christmas carols, and I've seen those poor misguided souls in front of houses happily singing away while the unfortunate homeowners stand in the doorway, gazing at them with an uncomfortable mix of sadness, hate and pity. What is with these people anyway? What would make an otherwise upstanding tetotalling Baptist stand on my front lawn shreiking like a drunk 22 year old girl who finally figured out I gave her a fake name? Like I said, I like Christmas, but I also like basic human dignity and dressing up like an organ grinder's monkey and barking like a trained seal at passers-by doesn't uite live up to my definition.

This year I have been mercifully spared the "rock and roll" Christmas songs, especially the abortion that Paul McCarteney let loose upon the world. I've been lucky, no Pretenders, no Waitresses, no fucking John Lennon. Just the classics, and by classics I mean mind-numbing irritants. Out of all the "classics' the most annoying is "We Wish You A Merry Christmas". If you've noticed, thanks to that asshole, Bill O'Reilly, every giant retail chain is using that freaking song to force over-priced Chinese made consumer goods down our throat this year. I can see those meetings now:

Big Shot: Here's our new kid's line. It's made of waxed paper, gasoline, match heads and broken glass, you know, our new "coolsoft" fabric. All the kids are really into it.

Big Shot2: So we've come up with a test slogan and we were wondering if you guys could maybe help us flesh it out a little.

Advertising Guy: Anything you say BS! How's that slogan go?

BS2: Here goes....ahem..."OPEN UP YOUR WALLET AND BUY THIS CRAP BEFORE WE SHOVE IT DOWN YOUR THROAT LIKE WE WERE FORCE-FEEDING FOI-GRAS GEESE YOU CHEAP ASS MOTHER..."

Advertising Guy: Hold on there BS! That's fantastic, but I think we can be a little more subtle, how about "It wears out fast and can kill you, plus it makes your daughter look like a slut, but it's got a brand name and your daughter's fat anyway, so why worry! Buy it now!"

BS1: I like it!

BS2: How about a catchy jingle?

Advertising Guy: Well, "We Wish You A Merry Christmas" is in the public domain...

BS1: It is? You're fired AG! BS2, it's all ready Labor Day, how fast can we get these commercials running.

BS2: Tomorrow BS!

BS1: Excellent.

The only thing good about hearing Christmas music all the time is not hearing the Pretenders on Muzak every time I'm in wal-Mart. It's not that I don't get satisfaction out of knowing that not only are the Pretenders used as Rush Limbaugh's theme song, but the only other time you hear the Pretenders nowadays is in Wal-Mart or Kroger or Home Depot. And I just think that's great. Because, well, I don't like the Pretenders either.



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