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Friday post...because I have to.

6/29/2007

Not a chance in hell I actually need to do this, but here's a post.

Nothing actually happened today at the McMahonsion. Well, maddmom bought a mattress, and i returned it and boutght another one. Everything in this house gets bought at least twice. That's a rule. If you see me coming and you've got something for sale, rest assured I'll be back. It's not that we have trouble making up our minds... it's just that we have trouble making up our minds, be thankful you aren't a car salesman.

Otherwise, it's the time of year when everything to do with water breaks. I realise now that in a previous life I was a plumber...probably a union plumber...who owned a boat. The icemaker line broke, the powder room sink has quit working, the kid's bathtub doesn't drain and the watersoftener quit. Plus the seal under the garage door wore out so after two days of thunderstorms, we now have a puddle of water in the garage. Because in answer to my prayer for low humidity (so I don't have to sit in a haze of cat pee smell) God has said, "Biteth Me, hop on the wheel asshole, remember when the Pope needed that water heater replaced?".

Enjoy your weekend, mine will be busy, busy, busy. But baseball is over, so I won't spend all of my free time at the ballfield.

Mr Fix-it

6/28/2007

I blog on a circa Gateway PC with a 400 megahertz Pentium 2 processor, a half-gig of memory and a circa Y2k 64meg video card. For the last three years the fan on the video card has been grinding away like a chainsaw whenever the PC is on. I've cleaned it with compressed air, put electrical grease on it, even shopped for a newer card. But in the end, I've done nothing to fix the problem. Until yesterday.

Yesterday I didn't want to turn off my blogging PC while I did a conference call, so I removed the video card and took the fan off.

Oh my.

I feel so...so liberated. So...so...sexy. It's so quiet in here. I don't know exactly what to do. I'm empowered, my testosterone is shooting through the roof, I AM SPARTACUS!

I am a little worried though, because my office still smells like cat pee. Very strongly like cat pee. And when I went into the basement this morning and smelled it, I felt that rush, that sense of accomplishment..I had fixed something that had bothered me for years, I am become REPAIRMAN, fixer of worlds, and the pee smell was turning me on.

I need to get rid of the cat. I only got the cat to get laid. That's how cats happen. College guy likes girl, girl wants cat, college guy gets cat, tells girl he will kill said cat unless girl does naughty things. Girl cries, melts the peanut butter and puts on the cleats. It's a time honored tradition, the way things work and the cat is there to comfort the college guy as he sits huddled in the corner nursing his razor burn and weeping in the aftermath.

Then you get married and forget all about the cat because your wife is in charge now and instead of the cat you have something called cycles and something else called money. And this works OK until you actually have a kid. Now you own two things that piss and shit all over your house that you have to pick up after. And then your wife hosts something called a "playgroup" then you never have sex again.

Then one day you find yourself in the sporting goods section of Wal-Mart masturbating furiously to an open bottle of deer urine, there's a rent-a-cop shouting at you to take the tennis raquet out of your ass and pull up your pants and your kid's little league coach has just vomited on the lady who runs the vacation bible school.

I may never do a home repair job again.

I'm cookin'

6/27/2007

Introducing the Larry Holmes GrillMaster XL!

"you can take that to the LAKE"

Had to give you something. G'night Gracie...Gracie? Hey! GRACIE! OH MY GOD GRACIE! NOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooo....

Hey...hey

6/26/2007

'member that time I said I'd be like all blogging 'n stuff? Like I'd totally blog and like type stuff 'n stuff? 'member?

and like that time I said I'd follow up on stuff that I like never finished? Like never?

'member?

Yeah, it like, isn't going to be, like, today or anything.

Looks like a blogger, feels like a slacker

6/25/2007

Four O'clock and I'm just getting around to this and trust me, it's nothing special.

If you noticed the last couple of posts you'd be aware that I was not in my home office for three full days last week. I didn't get home until about midnight on Friday. So you got one-line airport BS posts. Well, don't expect anything much better today or tomorrow, I'm busy, busy, busy at work and, oh yeah. My office smells like the open-air toilet at Bonnaroo.

While I was away the water line to our icemaker burst slightly. Just a pin-hole, but it managed to leak a million gallons of water into my office. The door was closed so no one noticed until Friday. Which is nice. So Saturday I have to rip out the new bathroom because I can't figure out where the leak is, rip out the ceiling before it fell down, and eventually replace the whole icemaker line. Now I have to get the carpet dry.

And it's not going well.

And it stinks like cat piss. Really bad. Really, really bad. Evidently the previous owners had a cat that liked to pee in my office.

Do you think that cat knew I was coming? I do. The bastard.

On top of the cat pee and the damp carpet, it has decided to rain for the past four days, after nearly a month off. So it's damp and smelly in my office...just like my underwear.

Now I know why my wife gives me that look.

A poem for the traveller

6/22/2007

Here I sit
Way O'Hare
With no TP
For my rare.

Newsflash! Must credit maddad!

It's hot as hell in Tucson.

On the road

6/19/2007

Got a ball game tonight, maddmom is in full-on car madness, and i'm heading out to Arizona, because it's just not hot enough here. So I've left the Prince with the guns, the alarm on and the neighbors notified because there will be a different car in the driveway every five hours.

It's nice to live next door to a cop, but it can make you nervous.

Drop everything....Jack's back.

6/18/2007

The Top 100 Country Songs of All Time - 2007, the first ten

Late Father's Day post

How to Tell if Axl Rose is Your Real Dad

...He takes your credit card to the liquor store?

Climate change behind Darfur killing

This just in: Climate change behind my inability to lose that last five pounds of stubborn belly fat.

Saturday in the park

6/16/2007

We're in the third inning here at the sports complex. Dangeresque is
playing and we're tied at 5 all. It's about 400 degrees out here and
I'm sweating like a pig. I don't think I've ever sweat this much
before. Really. I'm sweating like Paris Hilton after a two-day gin
binge.

The older kids came back from camp last night so these are the first
games in a week. Looks like we got better during the off week.
D-esque's team found a pitcher and the Prince's team got a win by
forfeit. Better than nothing.

Wow, I don't think I've ever seen a triple play on a running error before....

Oh dear God......

Usually, by the time it gets to this point, your vision begins to fade...

6/15/2007



Endo The Bicycleman.

See below...

Whoopsie! (updated)

6/13/2007



Yesterday I found out that
my brother, "this guy" or as we will now call him, Endo the Bicycleman, had a little accident. I have no idea what happened, but I do know he's pretty banged up and will have both arms in casts.

Being alone, hurt and far from home (he's in London) sucks, so I've decided that I would list some helpful hints for the recently disabled.

1) I'm sure you will get some sort of home health aide. We've all seen British nurses on TV and they all wear miniskirts and have huge pillowy breats. If you turn into a werewolf they might even have sex with you in the shower. This is a good thing and could result in that long-term relationship you seek. Think of all the spongebaths you're going to need over the next month or two. If your nurse turns out to be a 300 pound Jamaican man with sticky fingers, well, just close your eyes and think of well...England... and how if you were home right now you could con your sister to cook for you.

2) Hey, if you can't brush your teeth for a month, what the hell? It's England, right?

3) Dogs, cows, pigs and cats all manage to live long and fruitful lives without opposable thumbs. So will you....someday.

4)One of the best things about having an accident is meeting
the classiest people around. Hey, they just want to help and they won't charge you a dime or a centavo or a drachma or whatever foreign-type money they have over there.

5) One of the best things about socialized medicine is low-cost prescription pain meds. No more needles for you!

I've also set up a special mailbox, where anyone who is reading this should feel free to send Endo the most offensive joke they can think of, to keep him happy until he can get back on his hands I mean feet.

Remember, the dirtier and more offensive the better. Think of it as an email roast. Send them to Endothebicycleman@gmail.com.

Make the boy happy.

UPDATE: Thanks Jeff!

Updated again: Spoke to Endo this morning. He's home, uncomfortable, but alive. Can'r check email, but has seen parts of this post. His reply was "is that all you got?". Go get him.

Never talk on the phone while pooping

6/08/2007

Just read it.

People send me the weirdest stuff....

Heartbroken, the baseball Dad returns to his blog...

I don't know if I'll be able to survive this year. There's no pitching on either team. Neither team is producing at the plate, and neither kid is emotionally involved enough to be upset at a one-point loss, much less a 15-0 blowout.

Dangeresque's team has a great infield. Last night, when they were up by three the coach should have told the pitcher to put everything in the wheelhouse and let the bottom half of the lineup hit away. I guarantee they would have gone 1-2-3.

But no, it's all about velocity. Even though the opposing pitcher had our whole lineup running scared with a 20 mile an hour sinking fastball that looked like it was six feet off of the ground until it crossed the plate. If it made it that far.

Tonight we have a double header, I honestly don't know if I can watch. The Prince's team will get completely blown away, and Dangeresque? His team is so demoralized that half of them don't even swing the bat any more.

Last year, both of my ball-playing boys went to the Championship game. This year, they'll be out of the tournament after the first game.

I can't take it.

It's all over

6/07/2007

10-9.

AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!

I can't watch

Bottom of the 5th, Dangeresque was up by 3 and the pitcher just walked
in 1 with no outs.

I'm dying here.

The return of the frogs

6/06/2007

 



You'll see one, if you look hard enough. He's the brave frog. The others are more skittish and jumped into the water when I raised the camera. This guy? Couldn't care less. Right now he's sitting on a lillypad and eyeing me up. At some point, I suppose he'll realize that by killing me he'll be able to assert dominance over the other large pale frogs. But for now, he's biding his time until I make a mistake. Then I'm sure I'll wake with a flipper over my nose and the tadpole net shoved down my throat. My last thoought will be of my wife and kids and how they will have to spend the rest of their lives with wrinkly fingers.

Yes, there is lots of green fuzz on the walls of the frog pond this year, but the water's clear and the koi are gone and I am glad. Really, I'd rather wax my taint than clean the filter of koi crap again. We've got four frogs so far and they have all grown a bit since this picture was taken and none have a tail bump any more. We'll try and keep them alive this year and not have a repeat of the frog holocaust we had the winter before last. Except for this one, he'll have to die. He knows too much.
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It's graduation season

Send an e-card

Today

6/05/2007

I'm not posting today. Why? Well I moved my music to a new disk and since I can't get iTunes to run on the media server I had to install it on my blogging PC. So I am now in the process of re-filling the damn iPod. So between the new database and the refill, it's been nine damn hours of slooooooooooooow computing. Haven't even got to the movies yet. I think I may need a new PC.

Nah, 1997 was a good year.

Yesterday's ball game rained out, tonight we have another. The Prince's team will get beat by the Yankees. I hope they keep it under 15 runs. As long as the Prince hits, I'm good.

This is so unbelievebly gay

6/04/2007

More men arrange for 'mancations'

Oh yeah, from the article: Whitney, who is single, and his friends -- about half are single and none is married

Huh? And why does that suprise me?

Little league update

6/03/2007

Dangeresque palyed yesterday. 9-8 we lost. D-esque went 0-2 with a walk.

Manager didn't like the call

Radical Mennonites at it again.

N.Y. Airport Target of Plot.

Update: Extremist Lutherans in Trinidad?

History means nothing, assert

No Sherlock: NPR Anchor Asks If Viet Cong Spy at Time Magazine Cost American Lives. Of course not. And an aside to Richard Blaine in the comments, Henry Luce retired as Editor in Chief of TIME Magazine in 1964 and died in 1967. When was Tet again?

The big Saturday

6/02/2007

It's picture day at the ballfield, I will be there all day. Dangeresque has pictures at 9am and a game right after. The Prince has pictures at 1pm and practice at 5.

He did great yesterday, played half the game at first and half at 2nd. Went 1-2 with a two-out RBI double, but got tagged out stealing home. He's on the worst team in the league this year. It's quite a come-down from last yearwhen his team won the season and took second in the tournament. They got beat 17-2 yesterday and I stopped counting errors at 8. Including the Prince's two-bagger they had a total of 3 hits. It's pretty demoralizing, especially because he was playing his biggest rival. I think he finally got it into his head that it doesn't matter how bad the team is, if he plays to his best, he'll be satisfied, he'll get noticed by the other coaches and his team will up their game. And they did last night, all of the scoring came off of the Prince's double in the third. His hit shocked the opposing pitcher, and he quit rifling strikes past our guys like some kind of robot.

Like I told maddmom, the Prince has to hit much better pitchers than the competition. In fact, they were just taking batting practice.

I like to think of it this way, in three games, the Prince has been up 6 times, that gives him a .333 with 2 RBI's and an OBP of .500 (includes walks).
Not too shabby.

Dangeresque plays today, but last game went 1-2 with a single and a walk in a 15-0 loss. Sounds worse than it was, the teams are pretty stacked in that division, but the pitching needs help. If we can get 'ol Dangeresque some control, he could decimate his division, but he doesn't want to pitch, so he's a utility infield, or CF, depending on how well the other team is shelling our pitchers.

I think I know some of these people

6/01/2007

passive-aggressive notes from roommates, neighbors, coworkers and strangers

Greatness.

I know I never updated yesterday's post, sometimes maddad gets a little busy and has no time to type. So if you're upset about not having anything to read because I have been "slacking" all week, why don't you add some content yourself, comments are open, after all.

Some people even have accounts. You know who you are.