See it? Someone came here from China.
China. I'm sharing my ideas with someone from China.
Well, from my lips to your adorable little Chinese ears...
By "foreigners" I mean specifically Chinese or Mexicans. Or anyone who happens to look Chinese or Mexican. Or both, like that little guy from "Fantasy Island" and some Italians. Not the tall, blond Italians who make clothes, the small hairy Italians who park cars. You know the kind that make Lou Dobbs demand to see the manager when he presents his valet ticket. I'm gonna include backpacking Germans in this list too. Not because they look like Chinese or Mexicans, but because I just don't like backpacking Germans. No one does, really. I mean, Sean Hannity isn't losing his shit over invading hordes of backpacking Germans every night, but he should be. And he would be if he understood the threat that backpacking Germans posed to the theme park industry here in the states, especially with the weak dollar. Seriously, when was the last time you ordered an elephant ear from a by-God redneck for Christs sake? First it's the theme parks, then the State Fair, next it'll be the Flea Markets, then no honest-to-goodness sister-screwing hillbilly will have a chance to make a buck in this corporatocracy. Where the hell is Bill O'Reilly on this issue? He and Dobbs are to tall fuckers, aren't they? I bet they have some German blood in them, I just bet...
Anyway, to the Chinamen and other tiny people who have somehow travelled across the vast reaches of time and space on those itty-bitty feet to drink at the font of my wisdom, I'd like to say thanks for doing that google search for Tamagotchi porn and finding my site. You can learn a lot about this great big world from my site, and I would like to list some of maddad's managing principles that you can take back to your land and have your chief scribe scratch on to a rock, or tattoo on a virgin who gets thrown into a volcano or what ever else they do in your imaginary land of Chinopolis.
1)What I do in my bedroom is none of your business. What you do in your bedroom is none of my business, unless you go on and tell me what you do in your bedroom. In that case I am allowed to say, "gross" and hold you in contempt for shoving mechanical pencils up your ass and shit. It's just not right, so stop telling me about it already. Also, don't film it and think it won't get uploaded to the internet. Don't even audio tape it. Also, if I think it's gross, it's gross. So don't sue me or try and send my ass to rehab because you told me you like put your penis somewhere it shouldn't.
2)When some jerk says they want to enact a "sin" tax to help the poor, what they mean is that the rich people are too smart to let some jerk raise their taxes, but the poor people who smoke, drink beer from cans, and can't afford to not take advantage of the dollar menu at McDonalds when they are shuttling their kids between daycare and Gramma's before they have to be back at work in their gas-guzzling, fifteen year old Suburban that they had to buy because they couldn't fit the three mandatory "child safety seats" in the back seat of the Honda well, you can tell those idiots anything as long as you tell them you're for the "working class."
2a) And still a favorite. Anytime you hear a politician say "For the Children", hang on to your wallet.
3) If you bought a house you can't afford, I'm not going to help you pay it off. If the government makes me, I reserve the right to call you and all of your family assholes. Because that's what you are, assholes who took my money. You assholes.
3a) Oh that's right, the banks
made you do it. Right. You're an asshole.
4)Most people aren't scared of terrorists. Nope, we're not. But we're pretty fucking pissed. So if some shithead hops on a plane and yells "Allah Akbar" and gets the shit kicked out of him, he deserves it. It's like wearing a Cowboys jersey at an Eagles game. Try and sue, then try and find your car.
5) Quit praying on TV. It's none of my business and it's annoying. Plus there are people who pray for a living who do it better than you, like the Pope. But I don't vote for the Pope, and wouldn't want to anyway because he'd probably raise my taxes.
6)Someone said to me "Do you have any idea how much the internet would cost if the government didn't subsidize it with tax money?" My answer, "I'd be able to afford it if I wasn't paying so much in taxes."
7)Bill Gates wants to cure Malaria. Hey Bill, $46 billion dollars will buy a shitload of DDT. If I can't get rid of Outlook Express without some collateral damage, what makes you think you can stop a disease?
8) Do you people have any idea how much corn there is? I'm guessing no. I'm looking at you, Lou Dobbs.
9)Free-range, grass fed beef cattle produce tough, stringy, low fat beef. It's good, but it's not as good as the corn-fed, hormone and antibiotic injected, feed lot raised kind. Trust me, I got both in my freezer right now.
10) Wal-mart has significantly raised the standard of living in this country. It employs people who need employing and sells us things that we could ordinarily not afford, or even want. God bless you, Wal-Mart.
11) If your small-town book store goes out of business, don't blame Wal-Mart. Blame your decision to stock sixteen copies of each book you read in your Intro to British 19th century Lit 101 class instead of the latest bullshit from Hannity, Britney Spears ex-hairdresser and Ann Coulter. No one buys the lefty books, people take them out of the library.
12) You want my vote? Leave me alone.
13) I mean it.
14) If you want, you could fix my parking tickets.
15) There is no 15.
16) Don't assume that I agree with you, or anybody else. Because I don't and you are wrong.
17) That's not an argument, that's a fact.
18) I don't agree with them either.
19) I've given it lots of thought, and I really don't care if professional athletes take steroids.
20) I do
care if the coach cheats. Got that Patriots fans?
Now type that up and airmail it back to the country of your origin, or beat it out on drums, I don't care how it gets there, this is information the world not only wants, it needs. The world would be a better place if we were all like maddad.
As opposed to me, who is maddad.