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Oh Geeze

8/27/2008

My latest trip, an easy one that I thought would end early, has changed. So now, instead of driving home today, I'll be dumping my rental car at the Detroit Airport and flying to St Louis. From St Louis, I guess I'll fly home and take a cab? Maybe? It's a 70 mile drive. I dunno, I suppose I'm just going to be doing my part for the economy.

I'm trying to sound upbeat, but I'm not. This is what, six weeks? I would like to get home and see my family at some point. I'm a little burnt out. I'm going to have to join a chain gym, because hotel "exercise rooms" are a freakin' joke. I can only do so many pushups before I get bored. Two months ago I was in the best shape of my life, aside from my back, now I'm losing it. That's a lot of work down the tubes. I need sleep too. I can't sleep in hotels. I mean I can just not very well.

So I'm bitching, yeah, but If I don't get home Friday, I'll be pissed. I have to be in Fort Wayne next week. I'm tired of 24 hour weekends.

HA-ha! PRC BSOD'd

8/20/2008

I blame Daleks. And Windows genuine Advantage.

Another call to lower the drinking age

8/19/2008

From college presidents, again.

Seriously, the legal age to purchase alcohol should be lowered to 16 for beer and wine, and 18 for hard liquor. There should be no "legal drinking age". The driving age should be 18, 16 for farm equipment on public roads and there should be a special license for rural areas and kids over 16 who have jobs in the trades.

The voting age should be 21 unless you are in the military.

If you are matriculated in a liberal arts college or involved in community theater and not in the military (ROTC, National Guard and Reserves included) you should voluntarily give up your vote to the closest related engineering or science (no "social sciences" allowed) student until such time as you graduate and/or quit and go to work for McDonald's.

At which time...

You should be able to sell your vote for a price not to exceed the amount of taxes (Federal withholding and social security) you paid over the course of the year. State tax, local tax, property tax and sales tax don't count. Any Federal tax refund cannot be figured in as a discount, however, if you receive the "earned income tax credit" you may choose to add that amount to the bottom-line price of the vote. The "working poor" should get something for their highly coveted vote. It also ensures that there will still be enough people to enroll in liberal arts majors and staff the nations Wendy's and technical recruiting services.

Unmarried men over 35 should lose the vote until such time as they prove they have something to contribute to society, i.e.: Membership in an approved social service organization (Knights, Rotary, IOOF, Elks) or religious order. There will be random poll tests to be sure, any male over 35 who refers to a trashily dressed woman as a "hottie" or responds to the offer of a "high five" will spend at least 30 days in jail.

Women with more than two ex-husbands will not be allowed to vote unless they have been widowed at least once or can successfully cook a meal for six people in under 30 minutes using at least two of six standard ingredients: Mayonnaise, Cream of Mushroom Soup, Chicken Breast, Ground Beef, Pasta or Velveeta. If three or more standard ingredients are used with the exception of Pasta, the woman is allowed to vote twice, or sell one vote and vote with the other.

Every woman will be asked at the polls weather she thinks the Democratic candidate is "Movie Star handsome", "dreamy", "a hunk", or attractive. Any answer other than "none of the above" will result in immediate vote forfeiture for the next three election cycles. Women with visible tattoos or body piercings except for the ears will no longer be allowed to vote.

The NSA will monitor the nation's airwaves for any use of the word "closure", use of this word, in any context is grounds for forfeiture of the vote. Repeated use may result in fines and/or incarceration.

Membership in any neo-prohibitionist group, ala-MADD, will result in any male being cock-punched repeatedly until he admits forcing kids to wear bike helmets just makes the little slugs stay indoors and any female members will be sentenced to remove makeshift roadside memorials until such time as they can discuss fuel taxes without once saying "for the children".

Well, I'm home for a bit

8/18/2008

Back in the basement for a couple of days. Spent all of last week at a conference with a group of people that I haven't seen in over a year. It was nice, lots of furriners were in attendance, so now I know what it's been like to be Canadian for the past twenty or so years. Until recently, anyway. Fun that the Olympics were going on too. When they make fun of your cell phone coverage and currency, you can always wonder why one guy on our team has more medals than their whole country...

Anyway, when they tell you they'd like to buy a wheelbarrow so they can change a few Euros and go shopping, it's worthwhile telling them that they can buy a plastic Chinese-made one here for a lot less than they paid for the same plastic Chinese-made one in Stockholm. Then, if we want to, we can go out in the back yard and burn it. After we shoot it a few times, just 'cause we can.

And we have Bourbon. So fuck you, vodka-boy.

Seriously though, it was fun to get together again, but a whole week is just too long. I'm not as young as I used to be. I need my sleep. And between work, dinners, the Olympics and candle-pin bowling, I'm crapped out. I got home late Friday night, Saturday was Madison Ribberfest, and I was a total lame-o. Which is a Native-American word meaning "one whose gall-bladder got into a fistfight with his liver right before he fell asleep". In other words, I was done by 9:30. Missed the party. Maddmom is still pissed.

But I got two days home this week and two days home next week and after that I should be home for a lot longer, because I'm just not going to do it any more unless something changes dramatically. Or I have to do it to get paid. I mean, I can be stubborn, but I gots to eat.

I'll be posting this week and next no matter what. I have to, because when I don't no one visits, not even my mom. Except for whoever it was that was looking for "Kursk Submarine sexual position" which is just fucking creepy.

10:30 pm New England time

8/11/2008

So I'm rooting for the (pre-season) Bengals.

Michael Phelps is kicking ass, swimming.

I'm in the hotel, on Bat-try power, groovin'. Doin' it, you know.

Had dinner with a German Conservative Republican and a Swedish..Swede. A Missoruh good ol' boy and a Lou Dobbs conservative from Colorado. Mixed in a way liberal career girl from Alabama and a Chicago machine Democrat. In an Indian restaurant in New Hampshire.

You know what? None of us disagreed. Really.

About the jokes, I mean. They were really good.

Like this one, from the Swede:

A Swede was on holiday in Ireland and came across a shepard "helping a sheep over a stone wall" {motion..motion..motion}

So the Swede says, "hey, are you going to shear that?"

And the Irish guy says, "Fuck no, get your own."

Raining at the Applebees in Franklin

8/07/2008

"Burger good?"
"Uhhn."
"Well, I'm just checking. Need anything else?"
"Nurph..mmmurf"
"Drink?"
"MMMf."
"Catsup?"
"urph."
"More salad?"
"nmph."
"Would you like me to put your gun on a napkin? I wouldn't want it to get wet."
"mnmmrrr."
"Here, maybe you should pick it up. Put that burger down for a minute and...here, wait. It's the humidity. I don't think it's leaking."
"fumph."
"You in town for busin..." BLAM!

Local Idiot To Post Comment On Internet | The Onion

Someone's been watching me. Why is the Onion following me around?

Obviously, the economy is in the tank

8/06/2008

When people have to wait in line for shoes. Damn you Mister Bush!

Best Road Snacks

8/05/2008

Over at Car Lust they have a post called Best Road Snacks, about what else? Their favorite road snacks.

This is a topic close to my heart since thanks to the airlines tanking, I've been cruising in a five hour radius pretty regularly. So, what's my favorite? Reese's Pieces, Nacho cheese and Pretzel Combos and sweet tea. If I'm feeling healthy, carrot sticks and grapes. If I'm in a hurry, cinnamon sugar free gum.

Fast food? I'm a Burger King guy, but tops is a Steak and Shake Chicken Melt. I like Denny's Buffalo Chicken sandwich, and for dinner Bob Evans Wildfire Chicken Salad. But I'm leaning toward that Ruby Tuesday bison burger.

I'm in Boston today and yes, Boston drivers are the worst. Couple that with Boston sports talk radio and...

How do I keep from puking? I think of my wife and kids.

Rental car this week is a Mitsubishi Galant. Big inside, big outside, totally generic. Ugly as sin. Plesant to drive until you hit 75, then it gets really loud inside. Takes a looong time to get there. But puttering around from stoplight to stoplight and toll booth to toll booth, it's not too bad. Mileage seems pretty good too. I don't like the controls particularly the cruise control stalk, and there's no wheel mounted radio buttons. You won't miss them on the short trips between the gerontologist and the urologist anyway since this isn't a long distance highway cruiser. It's the unBuick.

I know, let's not do anything

8/01/2008

Drivin'

I drove from West Virginia back home yesterday, over 300 miles in my rental car. It was a Jetta, base model. Not too bad, slow as dirt to get up to speed, but pretty good at the top end. The wipers sucked and the back window is too high, so you can't really see what's behind you when you're backing up. Sorry kid.

But it wasn't too bad, pretty good on gas, and my back didn't hurt when I got out of it. Glad to have my wagon back.

I ate lots of road food on my trip. I usually try and eat the same things, lots of salads and chicken breasts at chain restaurants (which is one of those words I can't spell), but all of the chains I usually go to were freakin' PACKED. So I went to Ruby Tuesday. You've always got a shot at sitting down ASAP at a Ruby Tuesday, nobody goes there. So I did, and you know what? The bison bacon cheeseburger was so good I went back the next day and had the Turkey burger. Also very good. And it was just enough food, I didn't have to leave half of it on my plate and I didn't leave stuffed. I'll go to another Ruby Tuesday's if they're still in business next week. given the crowd at the one I was at, that doesn't look likely.

Yesterday I didn't go there, though, I stopped at the sausage guy's place, Ben Kinglsey's or Don Corneilius' or whatever and had a salad topped with deep fried chicken fingers dipped in barbeque sauce flavored corn syrup and smothered with Fritos. I had them hold the Fritos. Ever since I saw survivorman use a Frito as a candle on the Discovery Channel, I can't eat them. Anyway, it was good, I ate it all. But lurking under the iceberg was a layer of diced onion that was so powerful that I'm still stinking this morning. Just so you know, I am offending my dog, it's really that bad. To clarify, my dog eats shit. And not just his own, he'll snack out of the catbox if we don't clean it fast enough. And he just looked at me, wrinkled his nose and left my office.

I listened to a lot of talk radio on the way home, too. I don't normally do that, but I packed my ipod charger and didn't feel like digging through my bag to find it. So, since music radio sucks, I hit the AM button and scan. Lemme tell you something, most talk radio hosts are idiots. I listened to some jackass with a personality disorder named Savageman or something, some other guy who went on and on about oil but couldn't put an argument together to save his life, and one guy who's callers figured he was super smart, at least that's what they kept saying...over and over and over. I'd have felt better about it if any of them could put more tan two words together in a sentence. Then there were the "big guns" I heard Rush Limbaugh for the first time in years, he was pretty good, really. He didn't make a fool of himself and he could articulate his ideas, between the massive number of commercials he was even funny. I caught a static filled break of Dennis Miller, who was very entertaining but the station faded out and I couldn't find it again. Then, as the day wore on Hannity and Medved came on.

Dear God.

Those two are really really bad. Hannity is obviously a good salesman, but he is just not too bright. And Medved is supposed to be bright, but he contradicts himself hourly. If you listen to him, you;ll catch him. Then he'll deny it. To be fair, Medved let's all sorts of left wing kooks call in, but if he wins the argument, it's because the kook is even more of an idiot than he is. Hannity, well, there's just nothing there, is there? He'll pick some talking point that means nothing and harp, harp, harp on it like he's Nancy Grace and the democrat scandal of the day is a college athlete.

Irritating. And don't give me the "Bless you" bullshit either.

Please, guys. I'm with you economically. I'm with you politically. I'm pro-life. I think Global Warming is crap. But I'm not an evangelical Christian, and I don't care if you are. Leave it alone. Simply put, it's unseemly to flout how Godly you are. It also smacks of bullshit, and brother, someone's gonna call you out. I'm not going to home school my kids and I don't think it's a good idea. Don't make a political argument and think you win because it says something about it in the Bible. Jesus never ran for office and he wouldn't have got elected if he did. Fuck off about my bad habits and what I want to do on the weekends, your outrage annoys me.

It also makes no sense to get into an argument with a 24 year old rap star. That rap star won't be around in six months, shut up about it. No one who listens to rap is voting for McCain unless they are in the Army anyway. Let it go. Stick to common sense. It works.

No one likes $4 gas, and if you think windmills are going to help, try stuffing on in the tank of your car. The "alternate fuels" bullshit the other side is playing at is anti-poor. Where is a poor person going to get the money to buy a brand-new windmill powered car? Seriously, there's so much wrong with what the other side is puking out all over TV and the newspaper it's ridiculous.

For example, today on the TV at the Dr's office they said Obama is TOO FIT! Fat people won't vote for Obama because HE'S IN TOO GOOD SHAPE.

HE SMOKES YOU GODDAMN ASSHOLES! SMOKES! HE IS NOT THE "MOST FIT PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE EVER!"

What a fucking joke, Bush has a resting heart rate of between 35 and 45 bpm. He's in such good shape, he had people wondering, Does the leader of the free world need to attain that level of physical achievement?

You don't have to make shit up about Obama to beat him, use his own words. He's an effete, arrogant, economically illiterate, inexperienced freshman Senator from the Chicago machine. Keep him talking and in the news and he'll lose on his own. Give him something to bite on, and we'll lose. Easy Peasy. Use common sense.

And turn off the fucking prayers.