Since I've been gone I've had a couple changes in my life. I got my old job back, I got a new phone and I got another dog. I got the dog to replace the cat, you might know that I had a cat with the intestines of a forty-year old sheet metal worker.
The new dog looks just like the old dog but smells worse. That helps me figure out which one is sitting under my desk and farting. "Ah", I say, "rotten cantaloupe with a side of blue cheese and slightly aged bus station tilework... why that's obviously Little Bites with a side of hotdog. Hello Scamper" Then, of course, "Oh my. Six day old warm egg salad with just a touch of mustard gas with floating notes of festering corpse. Freckles, I do believe you've outdone yourself, did you eat a child?" Then I have to go and check. Really, two dogs is just too much. On the other hand, since most of my children are now missing limbs, it's a lot easier to keep track of them. And that's good news.
You see, The Prince is two days away from entering High School, where I will lose him forever. I'm sure all he hears when I speak is the "waaa-wa-waaa" noise that Charlie Brown's teacher makes. My reflexes are too slow to keep up with him any more. I'm stuck on the train in Einstein's thought experiment, time seems normal to me, but to him I'm days, months, YEARS behind. I'm not sure how I'll deal with this, maybe if I tape every conversation and playback at a slower speed?
Of course, just thinking of using a tape recorder just put me another ten years behind the times. I can feel the laughter without actually hearing it. No matter. I earn the money, I'll just hand it out like they did in my day. 35 cents for lunch to cover drink and a soft pretzel. If he saves enough, maybe he'll be able to get a new onion for his belt.