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Bat-trees

9/09/2009

Is it me, or are batteries getting worse? My landline phone's batteries will barely make it through this conference call. My old one would go weeks before I remembered to put it back on the hook. Maybe not weeks, but you get the idea. My new blackberry needs a charge pretty much every day, I used to charge my old one on Sundays. My work laptop battery died, it went from holding a four hour charge one day, to a fifteen minute one today. Over the span of a month.

Now I used to be gone five days a week and I could forget to bring a charger and not worry too much. These days, I'm only traveling two or three days but I have to carry an extra bag just for chargers, cables and extra parts for the tech stuff. How did that happen? Who is sucking the electricity out of all my stuff?

My iPod, bluetooth, wireless keyboard, wireless mouse, you name it, the batteries are burning out at an alarming rate.

It's a crisis. A crisis I TELL YOU! Really. I blame all the damn electric cars out there now sucking up all of the electricity out of the air THAT SHOULD BE GOING INTO MY G_D PHONE!!!!!

There's only so much of the magic fluid to go around, and I don't live in a state that can make it out of fish either. From what I understand we have to have several thousand monkeys rubbing balloons on their fur just so I can get on the intartubes. Several thousand! I happen to know that an electric car uses a lot more electrical juice than my laptop, and even if it was just a few more monkey's worth... Jesus. Can you imagine the stink? I mean, think about it. At any given time about a third of the monkeys are masturbating and at least a quarter are throwing shit at each other, so if it takes 10000 monkeys rubbing ballons on their heads to fill up the battery on a typical electric car for a day, you'd need to have 15800 monkeys availible at any given time for balloon rubbing duty. You have to feed the damn things whatever it is that monkeys eat, clean up after them and please tell me where you're supposed to buy 15,000 over tiny fez's?

It ain't easy being green

Let's face facts, is it at all moral to enslave our fellow primates just so we can bus our fat asses to Taco Bell without having to stop for gas? I would say no. No it isn't. Not when they could be charging up my damn cellphone. If I wanted monkeys to help with transportation, I'd have them carry me around in a sedan chair.

How much for the hat Cheeta?


Think about it, why did we go through all the trouble to kill all of the fucking dinosaurs just to have to turn around and breed monkeys like rabbits or Mexicans? It's almost a crime to not use up what so many people died killing. If you don't think it was hard, try it some time. Go find yourself a harpoon, rope and boat and head off to Africa and try and kill a wild rhinosaurus. If your boat doesn't get smashed into a tree, it's very possible you may get trampled to death by the herds of old men who think sitting in a bathtub with a hard-on is the best thing to happen to them in years.
It's a periscope!

I mean, lets face it. If we could givesome old bastard a boner by building bathtubs out of stray cats we would do it, right? And if boiling hamsters made our cars go fast, we'd have hamster stations everywhere, right? Regardless of the danger inherent in hunting them? You bet your ass we would. That's why almost all of the rhinosauruses are gone. And I, for one, am glad for it.






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