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Save me...


On the radio this morning I heard a news blurb from Louisville about "Halloween safety". Specifically, How ourchildren, our most precious resource, should be saved from almost certain DEATH this Halloween by following the Trick or Treating Safety Guidelines for Children (OMPR) under 10.

The upshot was that you should stuff your children back up into your uterus until Halloween is safely over, say until February, when you can pull them out so they can be immersed in GLBT equality education PSAs and very special Disney channel programming about teen love and middle school sex and how boys are stupid, anonymous sperm doners with a cruel streak and no impulse control who can be knocked out with one good punch from the tiniest little girly thing when she's mad because he cheated on her best friend or maybe laughed at her ridiculous hat. Except for the sensitive gay boys, they are boyfriend material.

At any rate, some idiot was on the radio telling me that children ten years old and under are physically unable to judge speed and distance (seriously) so they are going to get run over like migrating cicadas on Halloween night, so keep them inside.

Physically unable to judge speed and distance. Little kids.

It's a lie, of course, but instead of saying, "People drive like assholes, it might be a good idea to pay some attention to your kids when they are out on the roads at night.", because, let's face it, they aren't out on the roads at night because most towns forbid trick or treating after dark now, they have to lie.


My theory is that the woman who crapped this load all over the airwaves is going to go get shitfaced at the office Haloween party and doesn't want to have to get out of the car in her slutty librarian outfit when she mows down a line of inner-city orphans bussed into her bosses subdivision.

Oops, did I do that?

I could be wrong.

But one thing I do know, any nine year old kid has better reflexes and coordination than any fourty year old fucknut flooring it down the cul-de-sac in the dark in a pickup with the radio blaring. In fact, any kid on the street will do better. Funny thing about kids is that from roughly 6.5 years old to 20 years old kids actually don't believe a fucking thing we old people say, Old people, on the other hand, believe any bullshit that comes out of a speaker. Hence the popularity of Oprah, the continued existence of TV news, Snuggies and, of course, fuckheads like this spewing obvious lies directly to our virtual faces without shame. Just because the dn't want to take any responsibility for their own shitty driving.

Therefore, this Halloween, I am dressing my kids in all black and telling them that teenagers with knives hide in the leaf piles next to the sidewalk and the only way they will get home with full bags of candy is to run down the center of the streets.

That'll show everyone.

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