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Nice. Happy Thanksgiving

11/24/2010

Enjoy your trip.

Adam Savage: TSA saw my junk, missed 12" razor blades: "- Sent using Google Toolbar"

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Held hostage

11/19/2010

I'm picking bones today with modern management. Why... why is it management wants everyone to be friends? I'm acquainted with the people I work with, I see them often. I don't need to socialize with them. I spend more time with them than I do with my wife and kids. If you force me to spend the weekend with these people, I'm going to get aggravated. An aggravated employee isn't going to enjoy enforced entertainment.

Here's the thing. I travel for business. A lot. That means I am away from home more often than not. Which means it's nothing special for me to fly to some city and stay in a hotel away from my wife and kids. Unfortunately for me, most of the people that I work with never travel more than an hour or two away from home. So they are home every night, eating with their wife and kids, maybe coaching a sports team, getting laundry done, doing household chores and sleeping in their own bed.

Also unfortunately for me is that these people are all type A personalities, some even type A+. What that means is that they are extremely outgoing, competitive, and in their younger days, probably the life of the party. Think TKE Rush Chairman types who make their living in probably the most competitive industry going.

Now imagine you take 400 of these guys (and they are almost all guys) and put them all in a fancy Hotel, in a big city, with free food, open bar, and an expense account. Make attendance at all functions mandatory and disallow expenses for rental cars, early travel and cab fare.

These guys go apeshit. If you've ever seen a TV show or movie from the 60's where they have some kind of convention going on and you see all these middle-aged guys in suits drunk off their ass running around groping women and wearing lampshades on their heads then you will have some idea of what I'm going through. Here's te worst. It's mandatory. You have meetings from 7am to 6, then have to get on a bus to some "fun event" then have no way to get back to the hotel (you have to share a room) until the bus picks you up.

WOOO! YEAH! PAAAAARRRRRTTTAAAAAAYYY!

A good third of these guys will end up fired or face disciplinary action. Most of the women will end up in tears and/or screaming fights with their boss. Another half of the men will say something uncomplimentary about their boss, their bosses boss, their compensation or the company as a whole in front of some upper management type, and this will result in a group reorganization halfway through the year. The remaining attendees will have either severe constipation or diarrhea, couple this with dry mouth, a severe hangover and halitosis caused by fourteen cups of shitty hotel coffee and Mexican food buffets for breakfast and lunch and you have one nasty overheated meeting room.

None of this motivates me to be a better employee. If you want me to do more, put some money up. Give me the opportunity to make some extra dough. You'd really be surprised how far I'll go out of my for a couple of bucks. A couple of hours playing paintball on a Saturday when I could be home painting the bathroom? Doesn't excite me. Sorry managers. It's not like I don't like working, I really like working. I work a lot and I don't want to have to work two weeks straight because someone thinks I'll work harder if I play a game of frisbee golf on a Sunday morning against the West Coast sales team.

News flash, I won't. I wish they would stop teaching this shit in business school. Tie compensation to performance and you'll get better performance. Make it real, measurable targets and make the goals attainable, you'll have happier employees who do a better job. You'll identify losers quicker and you'll have fewer problems with managers playing favorites with they guy who works like shit but is a great second baseman.


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Oh Lord, won't you buy me...

11/11/2010

a friggin' airplane.

I'm tired of driving
and I'm going insane.

Construction
has got me
so mad that I peed.

I smell like the guy who blew me
for that crack cocaine.

So oh Lord, won't you buy me
a friggin' airplane.

*clap* *clap* *clap*

thenkew verruh much.

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Cold and....just cold

11/05/2010

I am not ready for fall. As I get old and decrepit I grow more and more sensitive to the chill and I want to move somewhere really fucking hot warm. Unfortunately, I can't. Because madmom would melt, so I must kill her first, and that will cause me no end of grief and, since I'm not in government or on TV, I might lose my job. She's a lucky woman.

I, on the other hand, am freezing. But employed. For now.

Fun fact. I have to drive 45 miles to pick up an $11 part for my eldest son's $1000 car. That means I will pend about the same money in gas that I will for the part. He can't go, he'll be at an all day marching band competition.

See, this is where I wish my kids were slacker burn-outs like their old man. I could have said, "Hey kid, you want your car fixed? Drive to the city and get the part." And he'd get a burn out friend and the next time I'd see him would be to pick him up from the sheriffs at the bus station. But noooooooooo. Nothing ever goes my way.



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Compare and contrast

11/02/2010





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