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I'm shocked..

2/22/2011

I just found out that my State rep is probably, at least I heard he could be, and so far I've seen no evidence one way or the other, and I'd need some real serious proof that he wasn't, a fucking pedophile rapist. At least, that's what I've heard. I can't prove it, and since he ran away I'm guessing the sick motherfucker is guilty as sin. Otherwise, why would he not show up for work?

I'm actually shocked at how many pedophile rapists are in state government here in Indiana. Wisconsin? Absolutely, the whole state's full of them, but Indiana? Shocked I am.

And to think I shook the hand of a guy who may or may not be a pedophile rapist. I'm sure if he comes back to work he could clear all of this up. Of course, he may not come back to work, and that makes me fear the worst. It would be kinda yucky being represented in state government by a pedophile rapist, so I really hope this is just a nasty rumor.

I'm sure he'll clear this all up tomorrow when the piece of shit slacker shows up at work. After all, only Union members get paid for skipping out of work for no reason. Well, public employee union members, state representatives, and pedophile rapists. And I'm not saying they are all the same thing, although it's hard to tell just by looking. Some pedophile rapists have never worked for the government. I'm not really sure which ones, but some of them, I'm sure. Some are clowns. And not every clown is a state representative. Again, it's hard to tell which clowns are not state representatives or child rapists or for that matter not in a union. From what I understand, the public employee unions really only fuck people with jobs or cars, or houses, or kids in school, or have a recently deceased family member, and of course, they are gonna fuck your kids. That goes without saying.

Hmmm. Still sounds bad. I'll have to do my best to try and figure it out.

I'll just assume that if my state representative shows up for work tomorrow, he's not a child rapist. If he doesn't show up... well then that's something else then, isn't it?


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Hang them in view of the shore

4 Americans on hijacked yacht dead off Somalia

It's worked for hundreds of years. The gibbet, hanging, summary execution, shell the harbor. You have to retaliate against pirates or they will continue.

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I suppose this could be useful..

2/17/2011

Local beers to those of us not on a diet.

I gotta say, I'm no supertaser. I like what I like and I make no excuses. I dislike Fat Tire, I lurves me some Shiner Bock. Molson Canadian is a favorite, and anything Yuengling puts out. I openly dislike Sam Adams... and not just because it's brewed by a bunch of Massholes. I can eat maybe one Dogfish head, and the last time I had anything from Madhouse (I'd like to apologize to everyone who was in that bar that night) I blew it out like that guy in Dumb and Dumber... Now I was supposed to blame that on a dirty tap, but a friend of mine who was drinking the wheat (I don't like wheat, I drank the Pale Ale) was on the shitter all next morning, which made for an interesting meeting.

What I am going to assume is that my body has become accustomed to mass-produced food. Like livestock nowadays I am used to eating the castoff parts of my brother animals. I like dago red, hot dogs, frozen hamburgers, any kind of pizza and cheap beer. Lite beer, now that I am a fatass, thanks. When and if I am ever able to eat and drink what I like again (and now that Hallie Berry's divorce is almost final and maddmom is seconds away from kicking me out the door, that might be sooner than I expect) I may try some of that fancy shit you have to drink with your pinky crammed up Anthony Bourdain's ass. But now, fizzy water with some beer flavor in it is good enough. For me. And for the children. Who could possibly get obeseness from watching me drink sixty non-lite craft brews. I'm saving our fatass kids by showing them that drinking this slop will save our country the expense of medical bills and the super-ambulances with the crane thing that they use to winch giant teenagers out of the second-storey window. Those fuckers are expensive, $300 an hour to rent and the crane operator is Union. Just imagine how much Medicare is paying that bastard.

SO drink cheap, drink lite and save the planet or the fat kids or something. Otherwise the Unions, who are almost Communists, have won. And believe me, it's no secret that the jagoffs with the bad facial hair you see in most brewpubs drinking bottles of Homoerotic Soap Wheat Amber Morning Tea Dark Pale Ale are fucking Communists. With bad attitudes, haircuts and probably a Macbook in the back of their VW. Just ask Glenn Beck, he'll tell you. I heard that asshole knows everything.



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Don't let no drunk chicks run nobody over...

2/16/2011

Or it's Game Over, man.

The Great Gatsby For NES



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A confession...

2/08/2011

I just don't like Elvis Costello's music.

Lord knows, I've tried. I had "My Aim is True" on cassette for what, twelve years? Never listened to it. I even paid money for "Armed Forces" and "King of America". Ditto. Never. But the worst was an old Maxell 90 minuter I found just yesterday in an old tape case in my closet. It had "Spike" on one side and REM "Reckoning" on the other. I remember making that tape. I remember buying that blank in the Sam Goody's in the King of Prussia Mall. Weird what you remember. "Veronica" had just come out, and a girl I kinda liked liked it, plus it was on constant rotation on morning radio, and I liked "So. Central Rain" and finally figured out what album it was on. So I borrowed both from a guy at school, (I called it school, but it was really a lot of time spent sitting in his diesel Rabbit and learning to appreciate malt liquor and Community College cheerleaders. Yes, they have them.) and spent like $10 on a really good tape. I usually went with the cheapest TDK crap I could get, but this was important music and should be treated as such. Lord knows I tried. But "Disintegration" came out that year, so did "Sonic Temple" and "Buzz Factory" from the Screaming Trees. Why the hell would I want to listen to "jangle, jangle, I'm a troubador, I wear a hat..." Why? I sure didn't, the tape that I found, still in its case, still had the extra labels inside, and the little plastic nubs that hold the case closed. Seriously, in the twenty years since I made that tape I've had four store bought copies of "Mars Needs Guitars" and three of fucking "Combat Rock".

Now I totally understand that people like Elvis Costello. I do. I just don't. I can't fake it any more and I won't. I realize that having Elvis Costello on in the background at a party, or in your shop, or whatever is supposed to mark you as some kind of sophisticate, and that all cool people like Elvis Costello. Fine. But all of you are wrong. He sucks. For that matter, most of R.E.M. blows a dog too. Nirvana? Why the fuck do I need Nirvana when I've got Steve Earle?

Now I have to be honest and come out and say that I like some shitty music. But I know it's shit. I'm not pretending it makes me smart or cool or hip or more intelligent because I've got Gordon Lightfoot starred up in iTunes. Even though, and I need to make this perfectly clear, even though it does.

So today I went though my iTunes and deleted every single Elvis Costello song, I feel so clean. I feel fresh. I feel smarter and more hip. I feel cool.

And I am, really, looking down my nose at you uncultured losers.

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My favorite historcal quotes...

2/05/2011

"OO AAAH. I sessy. Down cho think I sessy? But I yam. I yam sooooo sessy. You need some sessy bidnez? I geev you that. I can. Because I sessy. You can't be as sessy as I yam, but I can make you more sessy than before. You watch. You come close. I get my sessy on you and you get more sessy." - Abraham Lincoln, 1862


"Oh God, Oh God, Oh God... Hold my my hair back, Laffy... blearrrrrghhhhh!" - George Washington's prayer at Valley Forge, 1777

"Can we just stop here? I gotta piss like a racehorse." - George Washington, 1777

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The End of Blogging

2/03/2011

The End of Blogging | The New York Observer

Is it? Really?

I "stopped" blogging over a year ago, after years of posting every workday. I still haven't gone on Facebook, my Twitter languishes unloved in the ether and my 'creative outlet' has what, three posts over two years? I don't even know, I haven't looked in months.

Three of my favorite bloggers have died, one quit completely, a couple got boring, a couple more became "all God, all the time", several joined some kind of news service, a bunch more went politically over the edge (both ways) and a whole lot started posting too many damn videos. My favorites list has shrunk from over twenty to two. That's right, two. And Imma tell you why...

Most of the blogs that I used to read post the same shit. Seriously. Same stories, same opinions, same comments. And it doesn't matter if it's a political blog, news blog, tech blog, car blog, sports blog or art blog. Every blog has some issue with Sarah Palin. Love her or hate her, if she takes a shit, it's on the blogs. Every blog has some bullshit "pop culture" sensitivity, so you have to wade through the latest "outrage" some one hit wonder or teen TV star caused and I don't care. Almost every blog nowadays exists to feed traffic to larger, corporate blogs, who suck traffic from the weirder places that made the innertubes the innertubes. Hell, even the porn sites have gotten boring. Where are the characters? Where are the weirdos? Where are the blogs were you could start reading the top post and not stop until you were two years deep in archives? Where are the blogs where the comment sections are wild, loose and untrolled, or hell, even empty?

Where's the entertainment?

Gone.

I don't post more because I just don't have much to say anymore. And when I do have something to say, I rarely have time to say it. And by the time I decide I'm going to say something, I just don't feel like it any more. Plus, everyone's on Facebook and no one would read it anyway. Not that that bothered me before, but it kinda does now that I'm mashed in the face with Twitter updates and text messages and status updates.

For the record, I hate texting.

I fucking HATE texting. Don't text me. Leave a voicemail. Call me. Send a fucking email. Write a letter in pigeon blood on parchment made from human skin, I don't give a fuck, just don't text me.

... and I've lost almost twenty pounds on Weight Watchers. Seriously. I posted a while ago about how I got fat as hell by eating like a pig and not exercising, because really I just wanted to eat like a pig and not exercise. But I can only get so fat before I start feeling like shit, and my limit is 215. It's happened twice now. After I quit smoking (which makes me a better person than you, even if you've never smoked), I put on about forty pounds. I ended up going to the doctor because I felt crappy, I got weighed while I was there and found out I weighed 215. So I freaked and started exercising and eventually dieting and changed the way I et. I was at a good weight, between 180 and 190 for about five years, depending on how much salt or booze I had eaten or drank the days before. And then... I gave up. and BLAMMO! Fat as shit. So. Back on the horse, trying hard to get my activity points in every day, and eating the points I'm assigned, and the flab is really melting off. What took years before with no help is going to take months with help. I really recommend the Weight Watcher's online. Especially if you travel and eat out a lot. It's great, I can see my dick again.

I also changed the way I work out. I was doing splits...I'd pick some body parts and say, this is my leg day... this is my bag day... it's arm day... And what ended up happening is that I got lazy. My squats and dead lifts disappeared first because it took too much time to move everything out of the way, then the same with pullups. Then I got an EZ bar, so dumbell work went out the window, then my shoulder started aching so I quit benching too. So eventually my workout became four sets of standing EZ bar curls in between conference calls. Better than nothing, I thought, but I was wrong. So I'm doing full body complexes now. I have to get my four activity points in a day, and they call for vigorous effort, so it's one point on the elliptical and three points weight lifting. The weights are lighter, but damn... it's hard.

I do think it's interesting that the scale can tell me that I've lost almost twenty pounds, but the mirror shows no change and my pants don't seem any looser. I take that back, my fat pants (good God, what have I become) are loose, but my regular dress pants, that I bought just last summer because my fat pants looked bad all bunched up, are still too damn tight. My guess is that this means I was fatter than I thought. Which makes sense now that I think about it, because my dick looks smaller than I remember. I'll continue to blame it on the weather, it's freezing here, but if it doesn't grow back I'll have to have liposuction.

Again.



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