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I suppose this could be useful..


Local beers to those of us not on a diet.

I gotta say, I'm no supertaser. I like what I like and I make no excuses. I dislike Fat Tire, I lurves me some Shiner Bock. Molson Canadian is a favorite, and anything Yuengling puts out. I openly dislike Sam Adams... and not just because it's brewed by a bunch of Massholes. I can eat maybe one Dogfish head, and the last time I had anything from Madhouse (I'd like to apologize to everyone who was in that bar that night) I blew it out like that guy in Dumb and Dumber... Now I was supposed to blame that on a dirty tap, but a friend of mine who was drinking the wheat (I don't like wheat, I drank the Pale Ale) was on the shitter all next morning, which made for an interesting meeting.

What I am going to assume is that my body has become accustomed to mass-produced food. Like livestock nowadays I am used to eating the castoff parts of my brother animals. I like dago red, hot dogs, frozen hamburgers, any kind of pizza and cheap beer. Lite beer, now that I am a fatass, thanks. When and if I am ever able to eat and drink what I like again (and now that Hallie Berry's divorce is almost final and maddmom is seconds away from kicking me out the door, that might be sooner than I expect) I may try some of that fancy shit you have to drink with your pinky crammed up Anthony Bourdain's ass. But now, fizzy water with some beer flavor in it is good enough. For me. And for the children. Who could possibly get obeseness from watching me drink sixty non-lite craft brews. I'm saving our fatass kids by showing them that drinking this slop will save our country the expense of medical bills and the super-ambulances with the crane thing that they use to winch giant teenagers out of the second-storey window. Those fuckers are expensive, $300 an hour to rent and the crane operator is Union. Just imagine how much Medicare is paying that bastard.

SO drink cheap, drink lite and save the planet or the fat kids or something. Otherwise the Unions, who are almost Communists, have won. And believe me, it's no secret that the jagoffs with the bad facial hair you see in most brewpubs drinking bottles of Homoerotic Soap Wheat Amber Morning Tea Dark Pale Ale are fucking Communists. With bad attitudes, haircuts and probably a Macbook in the back of their VW. Just ask Glenn Beck, he'll tell you. I heard that asshole knows everything.

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