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I would have liked to have met him


Frank Buckles, 110, Last of the Doughboys

I love talking to elderly people. Particularly those people who were around before and during the Depression. They have the best stories and the best advice. There's not a lot of them around any more, but the ones you do meet are usually fascinating.

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My day's gone to shiot


One controller? Really? This had better be bullshit.

I don't like flying into Reagan any more than I like flying into Midway, but price is everything, and if I have a late meeting in the city, I'm flying out of Reagan. With everyone else.

Worst rental car pickup in the world, though, The absolute worst. Maybe they should switch the tower guy with the car rental guys, there's always at least two of them bullshitting in the middle of the night while I'm trying to get the hell out of the garage.

As an aside, It's goddamn cold in Buffalo. I realize that most people know this, but seriously... Why don't these people move?

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What do you see?


"I'm not sure. Hold the light a little closer."

"Is it worth anything?"

"Oh my... Jensen! My notebook! Quickly!"

"What is it? Is it important?"

"I don't think anyone's seen this for a very, very long time."

"But..but..what is it?"

"A blolrg, Jensen. A blolrg."

"What is it for?"

"In ancient times, when one wanted to... how should I say it... 'get attention', one would make a blolrg."

"Really? What kind of attention?"

"Well, you know that today, in modern times, if you have an enormous bowel movement it is proper to commemorate the event with a large gathering of witnesses and make an engraving for your wife or fiance?"

"Of course. In my town it is customary to make a plaster cast if it is large enough."

" Well, a blolrg is much the same. If, for example, you believe yourself to be the world's greatest parent because your nanny does a fine job cleaning up after your children, you would create a blolrg about parenting. If you were a lonely, fat, homosexual man, you would create a blolrg about the fashion failures of beautiful, famous women. If you ..."

"So, if you believe yourself to be smarter than everyone else...:

"Not exactly, Jensen. If you believed yourself to be smarter than everyone else you would limit yourself to leaving comments on an existing blolrg."

"Like how the great artists work!"

"Yes, by covering up poor art with illegible scrawl in permanent marker, feces and spray paint."

"Fantastic! What happened to all of these blolrgs?"

"Progress, Jensen, progress. Using a blolrg was much to slow and unwieldy, as more and more people became outrageously intelligent, the blolrg was laid aside for the Terded and the Scrootube."

"The Scrootube came from blolrgs?"

"Remember your scripture, son. The great prophet Saget said in the Book of GameShows, 'Look unto the trampoline, for in him thou shalt find the source of all greatness. Record your falls and your pain, so that generations may laugh at your expense.' That was the founding document of the Friars of the Scrootube."

"And the Terded?"

"Humiliation in 140 letters, almost perfect penance"

"Fantastic. I never would have known. How will we exhibit this find?"

"Get your camera. Now, hold my beer and watch this..."

St Pats Day


Have some chicken. Riverdancing chicken.
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Nerd alert...


And a stupid nerd at that.

I've been using OpenSuse 11.3 and KDE4 for a while now, and about three weeks after I started I lost the taskbar for my work profile. I added an application launcher widget and I've been using that for a bit, and I've been miserable but OK. Then today I was on the phone and messing around with my desktop settings (because I am going blind) and managed to completely hose the crap out of my desktop. So I decided to just start over. I opened Opera and googled "fix KDE Desktop" and in 2 seconds I had the default desktop back, taskbar and all.

Now that just pisses me off. Months of hacking around and all I had to to was to delete the hidden .kde directory in the home folder.

Two seconds. That's it. Now I suppose you all think it's my fault for not searching for an answer right away. It may be. But I'd like to think that I'm a pretty nerdy guy, and I'd also like to think that somewhere in the approximately fourteen thousand desktop and settings and preferences menus that litter KDE4 that I would find a setting to add the taskbar back. Like "Settings-->Desktop-->Taskbar Options--->Show Fucking Taskbar. Is that too much to ask? Yes. Yes it is.

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I think we should all just chill...


I do. And I'ma tell you why...

I just got back from a week long vacation.

I was lavished with fine food and liquor in the lap of luxury by beautiful women wearing flowing silken cloth tied around their long, supple, tan bodies. I was rolled in warm sand and washed clean in cool salt water by scores of naked nymphs who poured jars of fragrant oil over me as I ate exotic fruits held to my lips by blindfolded, mute eunuchs. I was given many colonics of the finest kona coffees by large, hairy, German women in too-small white nurses uniforms stained with the feces of only the most important of the worlds tin-pot dictators and most accomplished fetishists. I hunted only the most endangered of large game, with the most dangerous of explosives, and burned hundreds of hectares of exotic tropical wood at the evening ritual suicides. I was inducted into the most secret of societies by having sex with a full-grown female peacock and pledging the offspring's virginity to Viktor Yanukovych. I tipped like a Canadian and peed in the hot tub.

Maddmom was there too.

You might think that I would be relaxed and refreshed after such a vacation. You might think I would be feeling like I could conquer the world. You might think a couple of shots of penicillin would be all that I needed to get right back into the swing of things.

You'd be wrong.

I went back to work at eight this morning and by quarter after I was up in the proverbial tower with the proverbial rifle. (This, by the way, is very close to last Tuesday evening's entertainment, "Snipe the Suckers". Where we were brought aloft in a hot-air balloon made of orphan skin and powered by the burning of rhino horn and given points for shooting blond-haired American women off of the decks of cruise ships. It's great fun, but may be getting way too popular. The pros have their own channel on cable.)

By noon, my acid reflux had caused me to down four bottles of very expensive, polar-bear flavored bottled glacial water and I really felt that it was time to either get a new job or go on another vacation. Since I can't really do either, I realize that maybe the reason everything sucks is because everyone thinks everything sucks, but doesn't realize that everything sucks just as bad for everyone else. Consequently, everything sucks. So. I think we should all chill. Expect the worst, prepare for the worst, and enjoy the mild surprise if it isn't the worst. Like when the lights come on at a blindfold orgy. It might not be super fun if you spend all your time thinking that you're getting hoovered by the seventy year-old Italian guy with the hairy back you saw at the buffet, but if that's what you're thinking, then the old lady from Florida with the leather-like nipples the size of dinner plates and the orange wig won't seem so bad at the end. You know?

Anyway, that's what I'm going with.

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