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Hi. I'm maddad, this is my brother maddad and this is my other brother maddad...

12/15/2011

Back from Vermont and yes, all the Vermonters I met are weird. Not just a little weird, either. Really freakin' weird.

And I know weird. When I first moved out here everyone I saw seemed to have some kind of limp. If they weren't limping they were talking funny, had a wonky eye, bad teeth or missing fingers. However, on speaking to the gimps, it was clear that most of them weren't insane.

This is not true in Vermont.

I would say that three quarters of the people I met in Vermont looked normal. They walked fine, they didn't move like a shell-shocked WW1 vet, from far away they even looked like they dressed well. Unfortunately, when you got closer you realized that there was something, well, off.

Only one person I talked to in Vermont looked me in the eye, and she was originally from Dallas (or so she said, you can't trust anyone from Dallas, even if they're not really from Dallas). I'm serious. I spent most of the first day up there looking behind me. I even went to the bathroom to heck if I had shaving cream on my ears. Yes, it was that bad. All I saw were profiles. When I entered the conference room to start my meeting I felt like a Border Patrol agent opening a shipping container full of chinamen. It freaked me out.

The other thing that they did was talk funny. I'm not talking about the goofy Pepperidge Farm accent they play up in the commercials. I'm talking about that weird breathy voice Ginger would put on when she wanted Gilligan to do something for her. I couldn't tell if they wanted to jump my bones or if they were afraid I'd punch them in the neck. I swear to God I thought this one guy was going to run screaming from the room every time i asked him a question. Was everyone in Vermont beaten as a child? Seems to me Ethan Allen must've had regressive traits.

Let's face it, I like Indiana because I fit here. I fit the stereotype of reticent Hoosier guy perfectly. I shout never find myself the most boisterous guy in the room. EVER. And yet... Vermont.

Now I'm not even going to bring up their driving. They are way too close to Boston to have any skills in that area at all. That's actually OK, since the cars are so damn dirty that I can only assume the extra padding will help distribute the force from the wreck that will ultimately happen when you lock up the brakes on your Subaru because the guy in the passenger seat said something and you had to quickly look out the rear driver's side window.

So... Vermont. It's West Virginia without the charm and friendly natives. It's not as pretty, it's too close to Massachusetts, Canada, and New York, the people are freaks, the politics are bad, the weather sucks and it takes a month to get there by airplane. But I have to admit, the crappy little restaurant in the Burlington Airport made a great Reuben.

And then there's New York City. What the hell has gone wrong with the world when New York City is the fucking place to be?

Why is it that the richest and most powerful city in the entire fucking world has three airports that each belong in some war-torn West African city? I landed in the USAir terminal at LaGuardia and tripped over a crate full of chickens. The men's toilet was a door that opened to the alley. The flight information screens were old black and white TV's with vertical hold problems (true). The terminals were not connected so I had to leave the secure area and WALK ACROSS THE FUCKING PARKING LOT to get from the USAir terminal to the Delta terminal (true). The escalators and elevators to get from the baggage claim area to ticketing were broken (true again). There were only two security lanes open and all of the self check-in kiosks were BROKEN (true again). There were no signs to tell you what terminal you were in, no gate agents to help with connections, and none of the OH SO HELPFUL customer service or security people SPOKE ENGLISH!

I hope that place burns. I really do.

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1 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

OMFG.... I was rolling reading this post. Poor Vermont. And a crate full of chickens?? SERIOUSLY??? The mental picture is priceless... LOL

- L

12:09 AM

 

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