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urgh : UPDATED


I have a craaaaaazy headache. A real bastard of a thumper. I did it to myself. I was clenching my jaw like I had tetanus all morning while I was on the phone. I was doing that because my headset wasn't plugged in last night and I had my cell phone on speaker. I had it turned up all the way because the guy I was talking to talks like he doesn't want anyone to know that he's actually, you know, talking. Like how a 12 year old Catholic school girl with huge tits walks all hunched over?  He talks like that.  

My speaker, when turned up all the way, has this great "feedback" feature that is really the only noise that I can honestly say makes me grind my teeth. So now I have a headache. THINK WHEN YOU SPEAK PEOPLE!

I also have to pee so bad I'm afraid to move anything but my fingers...


I no longer have to pee. I'm freezing now, since I opened the door to my office, and my head still hurts. I think my right eye is going to fall out. My toes are numb because the floor is cement and it's winter... oh, and I also have to work out today.

It's January and that means I'm on my yearly quest to lose all the weight I gained since Halloween. This year only eleven pounds, but it actually looks worse than last year's 15.

I'm not giving my money to Weight Watchers this year; I'm going with something different, something that costs about the same and may produce the same results. I've got two options on the table. First option: Massive amounts of Peruvian cocaine. With any luck I'll slim down and get that nose job I've been thinking about. Maybe even do some man whoring, who knows? It's been a long time since I last spent my food budget on hard drugs; I think it'll be interesting to see what's changed. The second option is medical. No, I'm not getting my stomach removed or my ass fat liposuctioned and turned into fragrant candles again. I'm thinking more long term. Like food poisoning or a really good parasitic infection. Maybe both. The kids have sports tonight, no time to get dinner made. I could chow down at the local Subway and chase it with a nice long sip from the Junior High pool. If I survived, I would probably lose some pounds. Aside from the one giant elephant leg from the persistent edema I bet I'd look pretty damn good when they finally figured out what was causing the blackouts, rectal bleeding and gas. It's worth thinking about, and I probably wouldn't have to learn how to fly a small plane and speak Spanish.

Either option is more fun than the goddam elliptical.

Whatever. 190 by March 19th or bust. I'm really aiming for 185, but I have a very heavy penis and I usually subtract that from the weekly weigh in. Don't start, it's only fair. Last year while on a carb bender I got into a fistfight with that woman from the Weight Watchers group who always subtracted for her giant breast implants. I was all, "Whut? Eleven pounds? Why not take another thirty out for your huge ass implants?" And she was all, "Ah No You Di'en't" And I was all, "Don't you shake your neck at me you fat bitch, I am aaaaaaaaall real!" And she was all, "It's ooooon you fat BITCH! You don't talk like that to me! I am abuuuuv you. You don't know me!" Then she broke my nose with her handbag. It's ok though, when no one was looking I snuck out and took a shit in the back seat of her Camry.

It's all good.

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