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OK, so the president walks into a bar...

4/26/2012

Someone took a picture and half the internet's sphincters tightened up and the other half had an orgasm. Me? I thought the same thing this guy did and wondered how I’d have reacted if the president just walked into one of my college dives while I was still a student. First off, evidently college dives are a lot nicer now than they were twenty years ago. I'm only judging from the fact that this place had silver ware they had to hide, I guess they didn't want Obama to eat the mascot, plus, that chick is dressed up, man. If the president had walked into Kelley's the odds are: 30% that I'd have my dick out 40% I'd have fallen down +20% if it's after 3pm 25% It would be before 3pm and I was cutting Physics lab 15% I'd have just finished peeing against the bar 90% I would say the word "cocksucker" at some point, maybe not at him (I am nothing if not polite), but loud enough for him to hear 55% I'd be asleep 40% some drunk chick would be yelling at me 20% said drunk chick would hit me with something 45% I'd be in the can, puking 47% I'd be in the corner, puking 33% I'd be at the bar, puking 20% I'd make a joke about Schaeffer wanting to "push his stool in" 99% They'd make me leave 100% I'd have called somebody a "motherfucker" 85% I'd spend a good half hour looking for a payphone so I could get a ride to Barleycorns 200% I'd fall down while walking to Barleycorns 80% some chick would yell at me on the way to Barleycorns 300% someone would tell me to shut up or they'd kick my ass 55% I'd get my ass kicked So really, no different than if my mother had walked into Kelley's RIP, Kelley's, you toilet.
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That's exactly what I remember about LL Cool J...

4/24/2012

Wait for it, it's kind of a shaggy dog story. Oh, and people say "cocksucker", so turn down your speakers if you're in church. ACTING! GENIUS!
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Paranoid? yep. I sure am...

4/23/2012

When I was younger, back in the stone age, I held a couple of jobs working for non-profits. One of these was a "sales" job with the Citizen's Action Coalition. My job was to get people to give me money to support any one of Citizen Action's sponsored legislative activities. Most of these activities were focused on environmental law; clean air, clean water, landfill closing, anti-nuke NIMBYism, etc... the sort of stuff that sounds good in sound bites and 20/20 segments.

Now, I happen to think that it's a good idea to have laws that keep people from dumping toxic sludge into groundwater, it's also nice to not have to wear a respirator when you go outside. I hate litter with a passion, I don't want to have to look at your trash, that includes, by the way, graffiti. You assholes that think graffiti is art are wrong. Period. Unless I hire you to tag my wall, it's vandalism. If you think it isn't then one night I'll take a huge watery shit against the wall of your commune, call it art, and freak out when you clean it up.
So what I'm saying is that I'm not opposed to some government intervention when it comes to the environment, I'm not out to poison "the children" with the acidic blood of the Koch brothers.

But what I saw when I worked for Citizen's Action did make me feel that a few targeted applications of radiation would be appropriate. First off, it was a sweatshop. We were picked up in vans and dropped off without any way of contacting our supervisors. One night I found one of my co-workers passed out on the curb, sick as a dog and she had been there for hours with no way to call for pick-up. We had an individual daily quota and a group weekly quota and wouldn't get paid if we didn't make the group quota. I was paid ONCE in three months of work. We never found out what the group quota was, by design. I found out later, when I was recruited for a "full-time" supervisory position, that that was done so that each person was "encouraged" to go over their daily quota. If we were robbed, and that happened more often than you might think, that amount did not count toward our quota. Let me put it this way, my next job was with Manpower as day labor. I liked it better.

The second problem was with the "agenda". Like I said, I'm all for clean air and water, but the bottom line of all the literature I was given was population control. "The Population Bomb" was required reading. We were running out of everything! No more land, no more air, no more water. The ghost of Malthus rode in the back seat of our van with the fast food wrappers, soda cans and cast off clothing. If we didn't do something we were all going to DIE! There was no technological solution to our problems except... wait for it... BIRTH CONTROL! Yay! Voluntary sterilization, birth control and abortion would save the human race. Condoms may be made from oil, birth control hormones may make it into our drinking water, but dead fetuses are biodegradable and that cancels the others out. There's too many people, let's all have sex! As weird as that sounds, that was the message. We'd all be better off as hunter-gatherers with IUDs. Scare people with environmental horror stories, make life's essentials cost as much as possible, limit the ability of industry to make life easier, keep the supply of cheap food down with periodic health scares centered around pesticides and, lately, genetic modification, and eventually kids will be just too damn expensive. Fewer people, fewer problems.

So Friday when my son brought home a "Science Project" that required him to fill out an extensive questionnaire about our family, our income level, our living conditions, and our energy and water consumption, I was a bit suspicious. Especially since the kit was branded by our electric company, but not the water or gas company. The website for the kit made a big show of how they were a "joint project" of "consumer groups", Utility companies and the state regulatory agencies, but they didn't mention what the "consumer groups" were. I did a little digging and guess what I found? Citizen's Action Coalition. In this guise a "coalition of groups of concerned citizens, organizations and labor unions" working to "keep utilities regulated, support collective bargaining and fair labor practices, and promote environmental legislation". In addition to filling out the survey, my 10 year-old son was supposed to switch out incandescent light bulbs with the CFL's included in the kit, add a low-flow areator to our kitchen sink, replace our shower heads with supplied low-flow (you know, the locker-room shower heads) models and badger (speak to your parents) me into signing up for the flat-rate energy plan. Then we were all supposed to write "Thank You" letters to the political action group specified in the back of the booklet, and if enough letters were sent, my son would get a rubber bracelet, a "free gift" (bribe).

Fuck them.

No.

I sent a letter to his teacher telling her that my son would not be doing any of that and to give him a real science project. It's none of anybody's business how much money I spend on heating, cooling or lighting my house. If I can afford it, I'll fucking well spend it. I won't allow my kid to be guilt-tripped because he lives in a house that's "larger than required for the number of family members", has an oversized water heater that's set too high, uses air conditioning, and has an energy-wasting ice maker in the freezer. He should be proud he has all that stuff. He should want all that stuff for himself. He should work his ass of to get it and keep it. That's the American Fucking Way. It's a GOOD THING TO WANT MORE IF YOU'RE WILLING TO WORK FOR IT.

The electric company already knows how much electricity I use, they tell me every month. It's nobody's business but ours.

As far as water goes, since 1992 ALL shower heads sold have been "low-flow". Now, even multiple head showers aren't safe, the DOE fined four showerhead makers $165,104 in civil penalties in May for failing to demonstrate compliance for some of their products. All toilets are low-flow and have been since 1994. We've got floaters in the pot older than some of my kids. You have to bootleg a real toilet from Canada if you like to eat meat. I just shit in the sink and run the garbage disposal now. Compliance is FORCED, in other words. I don't need anyone brainwashing my kids into reporting me for washing the soap out of my hair.

So yeah, I'm getting more and more paranoid. There is no reason for some of the shit that is going down other than the fact that the people running things now are the same type of people that I worked for all those years ago. You may think they just want the world to be a nicer place, where spotted owls and polar bears romp and play with dolphins and tuna, but you're wrong. They want the herd thinned. They think humanity is unsustainable, and if it looks to you like it isn't, they'll make it that way. I believe that, and I am right.


RELATED:
Oh, look. A kindred spirit.




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Holly Maddux Memorial Earth Day Post

4/20/2012

Here we are, our eighth Earth Day post. Remember who takes credit for it:

Ira Einhorn - the Unicorn Killer

Now, I don't like pollution, and I had an uncle who taught me as a little kid to pick up litter when I saw it (and I still do), but human life comes first.

Not with these guys. Ms Maddux was killed by a megalomaniac who somehow managed to spread his insane teachings into the mainstream.

How did that happen? They sent out press releases that were taken as actual science by reporters and teachers who agree with their politics.

Using language to help your kids get better at... wait, no...

In further "everything you think you know is wrong" news...  How can we be feeding livestock more antibiotics than are actually sold in the US per year?  We can't.  And it took an in-depth University study to figure that out.

NPPC chief veterinarian Dr. Liz Wagstrom says the KSU study confirms what they’ve known all along—that opponents have deliberately peddled misinformation about the use of antibiotics in livestock


Don't worry, I know this happens on both sides, but I do know that it ain't a fair fight.

Say a prayer for Holly Maddux and her family this Earth Day, and stay off the Weather Channel or you'll probably get hair on your palms.


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Maddmom was a stay-at-home mom... because we were broke.

4/13/2012

When we had The Prince back in '95 I was making $9.50 an hour at my day job and working some contracting gigs on the side. Maddmom had a good job, unfortunately she also had tits, so she was the Prince's primary source of food. My tits, though large and shapely, were not especially good at feeding the child. The only exception being that time when some old guy in a '79 Fleetwood gave me $200 bucks for letting him rub my naked chest while he wore furry mittens.

While the Prince was baking, we spent a some time looking at infant day care, all of it cost more than my salary. Most of them were run by retards. So, if it wasn't for the tits thing, I probably should have been the one to stay home with the trout. HOWEVER, maddmom is a good judge of character. She is also a math major. She figured out that if I was home alone with a baby, I would probably leave him in the microwave once or twice while I diddled with the computer or carried on a torrid affair with one or more of the statistical mean looking women in our lower middle class neighborhood who were in the same position as my wife and I, that is to say, poor as dirt divided by the price of gas squared and unable to pay for twelve hours of daycare (or 'school' if you are obnoxious).

What this meant was that while my income went up over time, maddmom's didn't. So that while women who actually worked a day in their lives were able to afford stuff, like cable tv and clothes and occasionally, lunch. I was basically a "single parent". The house, car, insurance, bills, food, clothes... I paid for all that shit. What I haven't paid for is any lawyer's fees, bankruptcy filings, or bail bonds. I give credit for that to maddmom. She's good with a budget.

I have never heard ANYONE in politics say anything about the sacrifices that men with stay-at-home wives make. I don't go to football games, or eat out. I brought my lunch to work every day for thirteen years. I still did laundry and did the dishes, and I still drive a used car. My retirement will be "our" retirement, so no living on the beach for me. I'm the one not paying for college and I'm the one responsible for the taxes. It's MY credit that pays for the bonbons that maddmom eats while she watches TV on the couch.

What I'm saying is... fuck Ann Romney, that Rosen bitch owes ME an apology.


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OMG, LOL, WTF and probably most, if not all of the rest of the alphabet...

4/11/2012

I have never bought a car then called the dealership to fix it when it ran out of gas. I have never bought an oven then called GE to come and teach me how to cook. I have never bought a dishwasher then complained that dirty dishes are still piling up in the sink.

I have never purchased a book then spent hours screaming, "READ TO ME!" at the cover.

I was just on the phone with someone who, if the conversation we had is any guide, probably has.

Imagine this... You have a problem that is affecting part of your business. You've found a number of vendors that make products that will fix this particular problem, so you write a list of requirements and send that list to the vendors. You narrow the vendors down based on how well their product matches your list of requirements, the vendors on the narrowed down list are invited to present and demo their products on-site. Based on how well the demo and presentation go, you get pricing for the solution and set up a proof of concept "bake off" between the remaining few vendors who meet all of your requirements. You finally pick one vendor and have a multi-year project to implement the solution, including fifty hours of training AND on-site end user training on the solution. You have consultants design a project plan for the roll out of the solution, you sign off on the project completion and then you...

...Do nothing. You never turn it on, you never implement the plan.

Then you call the vendor and DEMAND that THE VENDOR comes and fixes the original problem FOR FREE because YOU PUT THE REPORT IN A DRAWER AND LEFT IT THERE AFTER THE CONSULTANTS LEFT.

The answer should be, "No. I already cashed your check. Thanks for the money, dumbass."

The answer will be, "Let me see if I can get someone to help you out."

I want to find the asshole who started this whole "customer service" management bullshit back in the early nineties and piss in his french fries. The customer is wrong. More than wrong, the customer is an asshole who deserves to be robbed and beaten by a pack of kindergartners on a field trip to the Mother Theresa National Memorial Gift Shop and Tanning Parlor. His fucking KIDS should send me money ON FUCKING PRINCIPLE. I should be allowed to gift his wife to my minions as a cook, camp follower and sex slave (where appropriate). I suppose I'd be less upset if instead of DEMANDING the unreasonable, he had offered to SUCK MY DICK, for free, just for fun, but he didn't now, did he? HE DID NOT! I now know that this person is alive, and that has just ruined the rest of my life. I will have to spend YEARS IN FUCKING THERAPY to get over my disappointment that God let this man be born alive.

I also misspelled "problem" eight different ways in this single post. A new record, and obviously this stupid motherfucker's fault.





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Wish I was there

4/09/2012

 


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Conversation with Skippy...

4/06/2012

Skippy: Next week I get to learn nunchucks!

Me: That's not very nice.

Skippy: What? It's awesome!

Me: Just because Easter will be over doesn't mean that you should take advantage of those poor old ladies.

Skippy: Dad, they're weapons...

Me: ...OF THE LORD!

Skippy: I don't think you understand, I'm not going to chuck them...

Me: Damn right. You probably won't even be able to lift them. Have you seen the size of those legs?

Skippy: Dad. Nun... chucks.

Me: I know. You already said. And I don't think it's very nice and I don't think you should do it.

Skippy: I'll chuck who I wanna chuck.


I giggled.
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Maybe I'm the problem..UPDATE: I AM!

4/03/2012

Back from vacation, got my phone back, back at work, back still hurts from driving the Asian torture machine 2000 miles. I think that if you buy a Korean car, you should get a little Korean lady to walk on your back after you drive it. It's only fair, and if she could cook my wife wouldn't mind at all.

I was up too late watching Kentucky try and make it fair against Kansas and now I'm wiped out. I have a hell of a lot to do today too, instead I'm typing this.

Oh my goodness... I just realized why my lab was crapping out... I'll be back.

DNS, yes DNS.
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