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My hip!... ow...


No. Not this time. I'm just kidding. I saw this link about "How to age weel" out on the innertubes this am, and had my kid show me how to click on it, cut and paste the relevant passages into an email that I subsequently forwarded to all of my contacts. Kidding again. Sorta. I blogged it. Almost as bad. “For of all sad words of tongue or pen, The saddest are these: ‘It might have been!’” I actually didn't read the article, because somewhere in the 1700 posts (1700? Isn't that when I was born?) on this here blog is my own take on how to age well. Strike that, it's not about how to age well it's about how I am going to age, well or not. The Greeks, as often pointed out by that sage of the interwebs, maddad, thought Nostalgia was a disease. So do I. So by not dwelling on the past, I am better than you. Probably much better than you, because I also quit smoking at some point and, because you are reading my pixels on the information superhighway, I am obviously better informed, have more clear, well thought out opinions, a higher IQ, and a giant penis that I share with several thousand young Russian girls and singles from my area. Actually, I realized that by age 34, if I wasn't going to be any of the things I thought were the end all and be all when I was a kid, I had better change my focus. I started this blog at 34. Funny. I wasn't even thinking about that when I wrote that last sentence. In any event, I wasn't going to be a rock star, movie actor, famous novelist, Phd, inventor, juggler, brooding "man with no name" leaving thousands of broken hearts and wet panties in his wake, millionaire or race car driver. I was going to be "maddmom's husband" and "Dad". Not my dad, but my kid's dad. So I beat the suckers like the Chinese do when their kids fail a math test. I figure that will help motivate the little bastards into making something of themselves so they can buy their mother a new house and Cadillac and I'll have a nice apartment over the garage where I can live out the rest of my short, hard life only occasionally embarrassing the family when I get picked up for drunk and disorderly for starting fights in the parking lot of a college football game. What? Those college boys ain't better'n me! THEY AIN"T BETTER'N ME! I do have at least one regret. OK, two. When I was first moving out here, I tore up my right foot right after the closing inspection on our new house. I probably broke it. But I was late for a plane, so I tied my shoe real tight and flew back to New Jersey. I probably should have gone to the hospital and had a cast put on, but I didn't. Now, when I'm lucky enough to have feeling in that foot, it hurts. When you're 28, you don't think about stuff like that. I figured I had, max, two years left on the clock, that foot will take care of itself. All of my ills nowadays are because I, as a younger me, thought I didn't have to go to the hospital. Knee, shoulder, back, foot, hip... the only thing I was smart about was my teeth (knock on wooden incisors). The only reason I was smart about my teeth was because at some point I heard my father tell someone once that the only thing he would have done differently in his whole life was to take better care of his teeth. I'll give him a pass for his trench mouth though, he was born in the UK. If I had gone and gotten these things fixed when they happened, I would not only be in less pain today, but I'm certain it would be a lot easier to stay in shape. I have to stay in shape, maddmom insists. I am always ten pounds over my target, but it's hard to do the strenuous stuff that it would take to get where you need to be when you don't have time and it hurts like hell. The second regret I have is that I didn't figure out that I had ADHD until I was an adult. I know there's a lot of people out there who don't believe in ADHD. That's OK. They don't have it. I didn't think I had it, I thought I was depressed. I probably was, but if I was it was because I had ADHD. I take pills for it now. Occasionally. When I don't get distracted. I should probably take them all the time. Now would be good, since I'm typing this instead of doing the stuff I planned on doing today. So more on this later, after I take care of all these single ladies in my neighborhood who want to meet me (because of my enormous, smart penis).
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