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So itchy

7/24/2012

I forgot to type anything in that last post. Its 103 here, I'm all swelled up from too many carbs and too much salt. That makes my undies too tight, I'm wearing a suit and I have to walk ten blocks to the meeting. And I'm covered with chiggers. Covered. I look like an untreated syphilitic prostitute with eczema and hypertension. Its gonna be a GOOD day.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-chiggers

Two things...

7/23/2012

One: There should be a law against selling onion bagels in the airport. Two: I want the clock back. A two inch tall digital clock on a 60 inch plasma screen just isn't going to cut it. I took off my watch at the security checkpoint and I didnt think I had time to dig it out of my carry on because? I didnt know what time it was! Why didn't I check my phone? Where do you think my phone was, jackass? I want a clock. They could take all of those big ass clocks from the train stations no one uses. Time means nothing to losers who still ride the train anyway. And while I'm at it, stop yelling at me in French. Everyone who speaks French has been learning English since they were in the womb. They're so goddam proud of it its all they talk about, in Fremch, at the McDonald's in Disney World. Fuckem. English and Spanish only.

Top 9 Passive-Aggressive Things To Say To Your Husband During A Road Trip

7/11/2012

Top 9 Passive-Aggressive Things To Say To Your Husband During A Road Trip How... Meh... clever. So you don't have to click the link: 9. “No, it’s totally fine that you forgot the baby bag. We’ll just wipe his butt with KFC towelettes.” 8. “From a safety point of view, it’s good that you drive like an 87-year-old European.” 7. “You don’t HAVE to use the blinker. Just like our entire family doesn’t HAVE to survive this trip.” 6. “Don’t worry, I’m sure the radio will drown out the sounds of our being lost.” 5. “Oh THIS route is really original.” 4. “Stop him from crying? Sure. You just hold the steering wheel while I detach my breasts.” 3. “Are you keeping this blackened banana skin for posterity?” 2. “Sure, I’ll read the map. I pushed your baby out of my vagina, but I’ll read the map, too.” 1. “No I don’t see the extra diapers, but at least you brought your meticulously curate If she could really have detached her boobs I would have left her at home.
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Chicago, Borgnine, Oil Change, Driving...

7/09/2012

For the holiday maddmom and I took the three youngest to Chicago to see the sights. I like Chicago, I do. If I had to live in the northern wastes, I'd pick Chicago. I'd be a little upset that I would no longer be able to earn an honest living, given the sheer number of assholes with their hands in my wallet, but the summers are nice and when the weather's good, downtown's real pretty. Driving in Chicago sucks, mainly because the roads that work are all toll roads, and if you don't want to take those you end up driving through the ghetto. So we took public transportation. Worked OK. BUT... We could have parked all day for $19 where we were hanging out, another $12 when we went to our second stop, and with a total of $3.70 in tolls, I would have spent $33.70 in transportation for 5 people, and I would have been able to leave when I wanted to and probably would have gotten back to the hotel 45 minutes sooner than I did. Instead, I paid $28.50 for 5 daily CTA passes and another $35 on the water taxi. Since we were staying by the airport, we had good access to the CTA, and if I was poor, or liked having ground glass rubbed on my taint, it would have been GREAT! But to get to downtown, it took an hour. We had to transfer to another line, and rather than wait on a bus for twenty minutes, we walked for a mile or so in 90 degree heat (arguably better than sitting on a bus with people who had been standing around waiting for a bus in 90 degree heat). Shorter maddad: If you don't have a car, public transportation is great. If you have a car, risk the DUI, it's cheaper. Also, if you have young boys in your family, annoy your wife and take them to Medieval Times. Awesome time. Like pro wrestling with food... and dorks... and those chubby girls with tattoos who go to Renaissance Fairs so they can jam their fat ass into a corset and get approving looks from drunk nerds who can only see the top third of their iceberg-like tits. But there is a bar there. And I had an awesome time. Oh yeah, the boys did to. I think maddmom might have been there with us, I don't know. This morning, I found out Ernest Borgnine died. That led to this conversation: maddad: Oh man, Ernest Borgnine died. The Beast: Who? maddad: Marty, Fatso... Mermaid Man. The Beast: Oh wow, was he old? maddad: 95. The Beast: Wow. Was he on the Titanic? The measure of old age at the McMahonsion has become passage on the Titanic. That makes me and my gray pubes feel great. Speaking of old people, Chicago and driving, I have to get an oil change for the volvo. It's been 4000 degrees centigrade for the past month, but the day I need to change my oil, it's raining. I blame global warming.
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