Go to content Go to navigation Go to search

It's 2008 all over again, small talk, bullshit, and Matt Lauer. But I repeat myself


Well, 2009 really. The Superbowl has a one-year oneder against an old-timey dynasty come-back team. Phoenix? Baltimore? Steelers? 49ers? See? A playoff-level team flukes themselves into the big game against an actual contender, the better quarterback will lose and the media darling will win a close game. Then we'll end up with Flacco boring the shit out of us on NFL network for years. Also, just like 2008-2009, I can't read anything on the innertubes without cursing and probably breaking things, I just changed jobs, and lets face it, the world is in really deep shit thanks to the outright stupidity of the US media establishment. Know how I know? I just saw a "major news story" about Jon Benet Ramsey. Seriously. DOES ANYONE FUCKING CARE ABOUT ANYTHING ANYMORE? JON FUCKING BENET RAMSEY? IS THE WHOLE WORLD HIGH? The answer is "probably". But it should be "yes". If the whole world was high, the world would probably have at least some common sense. Stoners need cash to buy drugs. They will look to their own interests when they need drugs. Stoners will get off their ass and do something, even robbing convenience stores and old ladies if they have to in order to get their smoke on. These days, no one wants to do anything. Americans, in particular, are turning into Matt Lauer. Now, in the 90's that wouldn't have been so bad. Lauer was single, had most of his hair, could've banged any of those perky chicks he was on TV with before they got used to him, got too old and turned into dried-up, Harpy prunes. Now, Matt Lauer is a walking vagina. It must have been sitting surrounded by all that estrogen for all those years. But whatever happened, he has to pretend that he is a woman. In particular the type of woman who pretends to care about the shit that women's magazines pretend to care about. And I say "pretend" because that's what they are doing. No one really cares about some kid with scrotaceousitchfarberus syndrome unless they are related to him. Women's magazines think this will make some fat dame say "aww" when the homo in the hair salon brings it up in conversation, and he only brings it up because he knows that fat ladies don't enjoy talking about smoking pole like he does, because A) they don't do it and B) they hate men, even gay ones. The Today Show, women's magazines, and Matt Lauer in particular, were invented so that gay men and straight women would have something to talk about besides dick sucking and ease the transition of money from men to women and back to men, or what passes for men, whatever, at some point those bastards will have to buy something besides throw pillows, and the cycle will be complete. And there's the problem. No one wants to be mean any more. I don't mean "mean" as in "nasty", I mean "mean" as in "normal". I don't give a shit about some kid with a dead kitten, a funny picture of a tree sloth with a typewriter, or some woman who's baby has no fingernails. No one does. But if you have a computer, you are going to see and be forced to "feel" or "like" this bullshit because women need something to talk about with gay men, or other women who they really don't have anything in common with. When I was a kid I could go to the barber to get my hair cut and no one would say anything except, "Short. Back and sides." Partly this was because the barber was Italian and couldn't speak English, but mostly because the game was on. When that one loud guy came in, and there was always one, he walked in, made a lot of noise for a bit, sat down quiet and waited for about six or seven minutes, then made some more noise about how he'd be back later and walked out. If a guy had a lot to say, he talked about what HE wanted to talk about, and if you didn't care he went and found someone else to talk to. Not anymore. We are supposed to care about cooking, what your kids are doing, your wife's job, the state of education in Maine, Beany Babies, whatever. Small talk. Small talk is important because women and gay men need to keep talking or they will feel unimportant. For some reason, regular guys now have to have small talk ready to go or else they are "bad" or "cold" or "stand offish". Bullshit. I haven said more than three words to my best friend in six years. I don't have to. If I like you, chances are I won't have to talk to you. I won't have to fill up the empty air because I'm uncomfortable. Women are inherently uncomfortable, because in the grand scheme of things they are prey. Men are naturally quiet because they are hunters. Think of any noise a man makes is a decoy, like a duck call, or a Sasquatch yell designed to pull in the prey as close as possible so we can reach out and club it over the head with as little effort as possible. Now that the men in "charge" are totally pussy-whipped, they think that every man has to be able to relate to women on the women's terms. Thus, the Matt Lauering of America. I want to post large pictures of my hairy penis on Facebook. No caption. Just dick. I wonder if I'd get more comments than the link to the kid with cancer. If you ask me, the fucking kid should have quit smoking.
Bookmark and Share



10 years since I was last in Toronto. That year I drove to Barrie, ON and there was a -40 wind chill. Today it's about 5 in Toronto. There's snow. It's really uncomfortable. Also, the last time I was here, my credit card didn't work and I had to use my debit card to take cash (which I didn't have) out of the ATM in order to eat. Same here, except the ATM doesn't work. Seriously, the entire city uses these wireless card readers to take credit cards, and they are all broken. So is, by the way, wireless everywhere. The hotel, work, Starbucks... I'm plugged in here just to get my email. My phone is roaming, and dirt slow. If I was paying the bill, I'd be 100 bucks over PER DAY. This is a backwards-ass country. Seriously. If I can get free wireless and 3G in Kentucky, I should be able to get it in the largest city in Canada. I used to think that this place was way ahead of the US technology-wise. As far as early adoption goes. But I guess that has gone the way of RIM. Stuck in the 2k's. Shame really. Of course, the innertubes might just be frozen. Like my ass.
Bookmark and Share

Plague ship


Plague, fear, sickness and death. 737. Cross country travel, packed head to foot in shiny tubes. If there were molasses salesmen meeting us at the end of the flight I wouldn't have been surprised. At the very least I managed to spread the Hungarian Monkey Death Flu to most of the Mile-High city and at least half of Northern California. Can't blame me for the Broncos loss if you don't credit me for the 'niner's win. Doesn't matter. I feel like I'm getting better now. That means the blood vessels in my ears and eyes should burst at any moment and shower my loved ones in infected blood and pus. I blame Congress.
Bookmark and Share

The year that ain't


Thirteen? Seriously? Look, did anything happen in 1913? The new President Wilson said that the US would never attack another country, and the federal income tax took effect. Only one of those things lasted through Wilson's presidency. Thirteen is always a "forget about it" year. They'll remember twelve, because Obama got re-elected and the Supremes decided the Congress could tax citizens for being alive. Fourteen will be remembered for the disaster it is undoubtedly going to be. Thirteen? Meh. Eighteen thirteen was a big year. The war was on. The war of eighteen twelve. Perry won the battle of Lake Erie and Buffalo got burnt down by the British. Two big wins for our side (if you've ever been to Buffalo, you'll agree)! I think we also captured Toronto and then gave it back because it was "too clean". At any rate, no one but the Canadians (and maybe the French, that Napoleon guy was still running around) remember eighteen thirteen as eighteen thirteen, and that should tell you something. Seventeen thirteen? Forget about it. The only thing I know about seventeen thirteen is that Frederick William of Prussia enacted one of the first personal taxes by eliminating mandatory military service. Taxes are big in thirteens. The 'teens are a time of intrigue, but thirteens are always footnotes. Wars start in fourteens, are named after twelves and finish up in the twenties. Thirteens are boring. Disposable. The thirteens do one thing right, they expose the incompetence of politicians. From the aforementioned King in Prussia to Woodrow Wilson to Obama and Congress. Thirteens are the years you can look back on and see the absolute idiocy of the morons that we have put in charge. Overreach and power grabs, military adventure, ignorance and pandering are all big in the thirteens. I guess we just have to muddle through. Lets deal with this and gird our Louis for the severe buggering sure to be in store for us next year.
Bookmark and Share